What does it mean to fear reality? I don't think that it means that you are afraid to live anywhere but a dream world made up inside your head, though for some it may be that way. To me, it is more that you are afraid of your present situation, or some aspect of it. I know that, for me, there are areas where I am afraid. These include finances, job situations, family members, and ministry.
I know that God is going to carry me through the trials, no matter how bad they get. His word tells us: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7
Throughout His Word, we are clearly called to live a fearless life. I don't have a problem with the idea of fear, as we are also told to fear the Lord. But these are two different ideas of fear. To fear the Lord is to hold Him with the utmost regard, looking to Him as the mighty champion for our lives. To fear something earthly, such as poverty or death, is not the kind of fear we are told to have. This is earthly fear, and it has its roots in the devil's hands.
It is earthly fear that causes us to run away from God's calling. Whether we are comfortable or not, many times we are tempted to just stay where we are in our walk or non-walk with Christ because of fear. Fear of judgement, fear of failure, and even fear of success can all hold us back in our journey.
God has already laid it all out there for us, why should we do anything less for Him? It doesn't matter what we have or haven't done, said, or been, He is willing to accept us again with open arms.
Friday, September 30, 2011
A Gift For My Sisters... (Ta-da!)
I'm copying this exactly from the small laminated sign that sits in my bathroom next to the mirror - much to the dismay of my husband! I received it as a gift at a Christmas tea a few years ago.
Looking good, sister!
When you look in the mirror, my beautiful friend, don't say "Blah," say "Ta-da!" Why? Because that's what God said the day he made you!
Women, you see, were the crown of his creation, God's ultimate creative effort. After adding the finishing touches, he declared, "It is very good."
Not "Next!"
Not "Uh-oh."
Not "Oops."
Just imagine God smiling at you and saying, "Ta-da! I did it! She's finished and she's all mine." You are not a mistake, beloved. No way. You are God's definition of beauty for you.
Now, here's your assignment: Stand in front of your mirror each morning (fully dressed, of course), stretch your arms with joy and say it like you mean it: "Ta-da!"
From the book, Rise and Shine, and the DVD, Embrace Grace Copyright 2002, 2007 Liz Curtis Higgs www.LizCurtisHiggs.com
Looking good, sister!
When you look in the mirror, my beautiful friend, don't say "Blah," say "Ta-da!" Why? Because that's what God said the day he made you!
Women, you see, were the crown of his creation, God's ultimate creative effort. After adding the finishing touches, he declared, "It is very good."
Not "Next!"
Not "Uh-oh."
Not "Oops."
Just imagine God smiling at you and saying, "Ta-da! I did it! She's finished and she's all mine." You are not a mistake, beloved. No way. You are God's definition of beauty for you.
Now, here's your assignment: Stand in front of your mirror each morning (fully dressed, of course), stretch your arms with joy and say it like you mean it: "Ta-da!"
From the book, Rise and Shine, and the DVD, Embrace Grace Copyright 2002, 2007 Liz Curtis Higgs www.LizCurtisHiggs.com
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The Darker Side
In a previous posting, My Story..., I shared the story of my healing and recovery. But I have realized today that God wants to use ALL of my experiences - not just the ones I feel comfortable with talking about. (It will be helpful to have My Story... open on another tab, as I make reference to it often in this post. Read that one first though, because that one gives an overview and this fills in some of the gaps there.)
I started dating at the age of 10. It was that first date back in the fifth grade - at a St. Patrick's Day dance where I had my first kiss. Looking back, that was much too young. But I couldn't see that then. The fall after my 11th birthday, I was at my house with that boy - and we were kissing and starting to fool around. I wasn't sure where it was going, but he seemed to like it, so I wasn't going to stop. I suspect we would have come very close to, if not had sex, had my aunt not stopped by to drop something off for my dad. I dated this boy for almost two years. I dated two other boys during my time in junior high. Of my three junior high relationships, two were very physical.
During those junior high years, I also really struggled with my gender identity. I wasn't comfortable in my own body, and I kept finding myself drawn to wanting to be in a relationship with another girl. I kind of looked like a skater boy during those years - except when my mom would insist that i wear a dress or I was dressed for cheerleading or gymnastics.
By the time I reached eighth grade, I was pretty angry most of the time. I really felt, as most do around this age, that nobody understood me. I didn't fit in with the girls at school because I wasn't a preppy type. I didn't fit in with the boys because I was a girl. I didn't fit the accepted stereotypes.
As I started high school, I had hoped for a fresh start - and I got it. I was mostly in classes with older students who had missed my humiliations of junior high. I was still struggling with being attracted to both boys and girls. I still had fantasies where I could be with the girls I was attracted to without judgement, but due to fear I still didn't act upon them. I got very involved at school - with a whole list of extracurricular activities. I took the advanced classes and earned the good grades and did well in my activities - I even made the varsity team for softball as a freshman. But I was still angry and hurting on the inside. (This is where the part in My Story... matches up with my beginning to use painkillers.)
After I was raped as "a gift I would never forget" on my fifteenth birthday, I started getting hit. I would come up with every explanation possible to explain the bruises away. I lied to my parents about having sex, because I was so humiliated - and I didn't want my mom to take me to her doctor - I was afraid he would realize that something serious was happening to me. I also didn't want to have a doctor tell my mother I was pregnant. I was so angry and scared. I really began to shut down when it came to talking to my parents because I knew that the more I told them, the more likely I would become tangled in my own lies. I was sneaking around because of this guy, and did occasionally get caught lying about where I was.
This boy didn't just rape me and abuse me. He got me pregnant twice. He had promised me that if I ever got pregnant, he would marry me. When I told him that I was pregnant for the first time, he hit me and called me a lying bitch. Shortly after I realized I was pregnant, I miscarried. I didn't tell anyone. I told my mom that I didn't feel good, and asked to stay home from school that Friday. I told her I thought I was coming down with the flu, and she made a comment that I had seemed like I was coming down with something for a few days. She let me stay home.
The second time I found myself pregnant, I told him on a picnic lunch at a small state park just a few miles out of town. He called me a liar then shoved me and I fell down a riverbank toward a flooded river. I landed against a tree that had fallen - where he left me. If I had hit my head or passed out, I'm not sure that he would have taken me home. I managed to pick myself up and climb back up to the truck and insist that he take me straight home. He insisted that there was no way that the baby could be his. I'm convinced that it was this fall that caused my second miscarriage. Once again, I sold my mom on the I have the flu story to stay home from school.
Just after the start of my junior year of high school, this guy left me for one of my closest friends at the time. I wish I could say that I walked out on him, but I can't. I even begged him to come back to me. His explanation - that I was too reserved & afraid to experiment in bed. (We did get engaged for a short time - there was no ring and he later said he was joking and that we weren't really ever engaged.) (There was a video of the two of us online at one point - I didn't know we were being taped. It has since been taken down.)
When I realized that he wasn't coming back, I attempted to overdose on painkillers for the first time. I failed, because my body freaked out and I threw up. I felt like a failure because I couldn't make anyone happy with me. I was depressed, and felt like even more of a failure because I couldn't even succeed at suicide.
I had already started to drink occasionally, but I started to drink more and more at this point. I was experimenting with street drugs. I came very close to getting caught several times, leaving someplace just moments before adults showed up and coming home reeking of alcohol after my parents had gone to bed. I was sneaking out of the house to go do things that no parent would ever approve of.
The summer after I graduated from high school, I went to church camp for the second and last time. While I was there, I had a camp boyfriend - like most kids do. He pulled me aside the first day, and told me a sob story about losing his grandmother who he was very close to. We almost got kicked out of camp for going off away from everyone and for PDA. (I held him while he cried on my shoulder.) Until we returned and explained what was going on, the counselors were completely ready to send us both home immediately. We spent the first three days holding hands & spending every spare moment together. Then he decided that he liked another girl from my cabin - who was 14. I was 17 and he was 18. While we were in evening chapel, he took the other girl behind the black curtains that were dividing the chapel (we weren't using the other side that year) and tried to rape her. She pulled me aside as soon as she escaped from him. She told me what had happened, and that she wanted to go home. I took her to talk to one of the female musicians that were doing our worship music that week. She went and found our counselor and the four of us went to go and talk to security. After we got back to our cabin - an hour after curfew - everyone wanted to know what was going on. Thankfully, our counselor saved her from humiliation. She said something about how we were working with getting another person the help that they needed - and that we had had permission to stay out late due to the circumstances. The boy was arrested that night on charges of attempted statutory rape.
After that happened, I tried again to overdose on painkillers, washing them down with alcohol. That was my second attempt at suicide. I just couldn't take the guilt that was following me around. I felt like I had set her up to become a victim, just like I had been a victim with my ex.
When I went off to college looking for a fresh start - I found one until someone recognized me from camp just a couple of months before. She started making a big deal about how I was involved in a polygamist relationship and how I set up a fourteen year old to get raped. At that point, I knew that this was not going away. It was broadcast in front of a lot of people that I had just started to get to know - people with no idea of the larger context of the situation. I began to drink more heavily still, and that seemed to help with the pain of repeated humiliation.
At that same time, I met the first guy that I dated in college (My Story... tells a lot at this point) While he was in jail, I found out that he was wanted on 42 charges in 30 states... Mostly check fraud, tax fraud, failure to pay various bills, and others of that nature. Suddenly, the trips to Western Union and the Currency Exchange late at night made more sense. He always had me drive, but would never let me go in. But I had a lot of receipts from his various transactions - the best that we could figure out was that he had a few accounts in the Cayman Islands that he was doing something illegal with. I turned them over to campus security when I went in to have them help me get a restraining order against this guy.
While I was dating this guy, I started looking into becoming an actress. I started taping inappropriate webcam videos and sending them to a few guys in exchange for gifts and money. This helped to support my addictions.
At this point, my life was such a mess that I just wanted out. I was using very heavily, and trying to just finish the semester. I was planning on dropping out of college after that. I just wanted the time to figure out what my next move was going to be. I was seriously depressed again, and spent time struggling with suicidal thoughts. I was realizing that I was now old enough to pursue the women I was attracted to without my parents being able to do anything about it. I saw who I wanted to be, and realized just how far away from that I was. That night was the first time I tried cutting.
That night, I cut to escape what I was feeling. It helped for a little while. But less than 24 hours later, I still wanted to die. I tried yet again to end it all, but I was caught by my roommate before I could OD again.
A few days later, I met the man who was to become my husband. (again, My Story...)
One Saturday, early in the spring of 2006, a friend noticed how depressed I looked at breakfast that morning. I was dressed like a little kid - overalls, a green long sleeved t-shirt, high tops, and pigtails. I was seriously considering making breakfast that morning my last meal. He saw how depressed I was, and became determined that I would not be alone at all that day. He took me to the fine arts building because he said he needed company while he painted - he was an art major at that time - and sat me down with some of his paint and a canvas. I had never painted with oils before, (I can't paint in oils because I'm allergic - but we didn't know that then) so he gave me a quick lesson and we both painted all morning. He told me that he would keep it safe while it dried - and that I should come pick it up the next weekend. That night, he took me to a punk show. I was broke and couldn't even find the $5 for a ticket, so he paid my way. When I started to get into trouble in the mosh pit - he came in and pulled me out (I was getting too aggressive for my own good). I'm certain that he saved my life that day.
~Fast Forward~
In the spring of 2007, while my husband was studying abroad in Israel, the tone of the relationship with one of my best friends changed drastically. We had always been as close as sisters. But one day, we kissed. It felt so good, like I had always thought kissing a girl would be. I loved her, enough to consider leaving. We had a very physical relationship off and on, spanning the next two years.
While my husband was in Israel, I also walked away from God. I literally turned my back and walked away. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about various pagan religions. In my research, I began to find myself drawn to Wicca. Not just curiously drawn, but to the extent that I adopted it as my own. I began my own Book of Shadows. I started to try to learn to cast spells, and even attempted writing my own. I started summoning demons with the idea that I could control them and use them to do what I wanted. I started learning astral projection and dream walking - two more very dangerous things.
On December 8th, 2007, I lost my grandpa. I grew up with both of my grandpas and an extra grandpa as well. But this grandpa was my favorite. He was always quick to allow us kids to spend time with him, regardless of what was going on. He taught me a lot of things, including how to re-roof a house, take apart and reassemble a 2-cylinder engine, and how to do a basic spot weld. He also taught me a lot about love and respect. He was determined that his grandchildren would be able to take care of themselves no matter what was the problem. We went camping with my grandparents a lot in the summers. But when I lost him, I was devastated. I hit a new low in my addictions. I considered taking my own life again because the pain was so bad.
~Quick Notes~
During this skip: (for the more complete version of this period read My Story...) alcohol, painkillers, bisexuality, physical relationship with my very close friend, finances, cutting, suicidal thoughts and recovery
~Fast Forward~
March 29th, 2011 altered my reality in a very drastic way. It is my dad's older sister's birthday, and it is also the day that her husband killed himself on their front lawn. He had been struggling with depression for years, but we all just wrote it off. We all kind of assumed that it had to do with his struggle to find a job, but that was only part of it.
As many times as I have contemplated and attempted suicide, I never pictured it happening in my own family. In my head, it only happened in other families. This brought that idea to a sudden halt. My first feelings were of deep loss and then anger. Loss in that I would never be able to see him again, that he would never get to enjoy being an uncle to my future children. Anger in that he did this to himself and to all of us, anger that there was no warning, anger that I was expected to accept that it had happened and move on. My second response was guilt. The what if game ran rampant through my head consuming my every thought that was not already one of anger or loss. In this case, there was no one at who I could really scream "WTF have you done? Don't you see how you are hurting us? What made you think this was okay?"
As the days passed, I felt more and more empty. I alternated between wanting to feel something and feeling so much that I was overwhelmed. I was so tempted to cut, both for release and to make sure I was still alive - I did give in once. I wanted to lash out, to let everyone know how much pain I was in, but I felt as though I was supposed to let everyone believe that I was okay and that I was healing. Instead, I just kind of shut down and drifted through the days.
It wasn't until I started preparing for the summer music festivals that I realized I was beginning to feel alive again. Ichthus and Cornerstone both brought me closer to where God wanted me. GothiCon is where the current changed from the inward focus of healing and recovery and turned to the outward focus of sharing my trials and temptations with others to help them. God is definitely beginning to use me and my story. I hope that my story reaches someone that needs to hear it, and if it does, then everything that I went through will be worth it.
I started dating at the age of 10. It was that first date back in the fifth grade - at a St. Patrick's Day dance where I had my first kiss. Looking back, that was much too young. But I couldn't see that then. The fall after my 11th birthday, I was at my house with that boy - and we were kissing and starting to fool around. I wasn't sure where it was going, but he seemed to like it, so I wasn't going to stop. I suspect we would have come very close to, if not had sex, had my aunt not stopped by to drop something off for my dad. I dated this boy for almost two years. I dated two other boys during my time in junior high. Of my three junior high relationships, two were very physical.
During those junior high years, I also really struggled with my gender identity. I wasn't comfortable in my own body, and I kept finding myself drawn to wanting to be in a relationship with another girl. I kind of looked like a skater boy during those years - except when my mom would insist that i wear a dress or I was dressed for cheerleading or gymnastics.
By the time I reached eighth grade, I was pretty angry most of the time. I really felt, as most do around this age, that nobody understood me. I didn't fit in with the girls at school because I wasn't a preppy type. I didn't fit in with the boys because I was a girl. I didn't fit the accepted stereotypes.
As I started high school, I had hoped for a fresh start - and I got it. I was mostly in classes with older students who had missed my humiliations of junior high. I was still struggling with being attracted to both boys and girls. I still had fantasies where I could be with the girls I was attracted to without judgement, but due to fear I still didn't act upon them. I got very involved at school - with a whole list of extracurricular activities. I took the advanced classes and earned the good grades and did well in my activities - I even made the varsity team for softball as a freshman. But I was still angry and hurting on the inside. (This is where the part in My Story... matches up with my beginning to use painkillers.)
After I was raped as "a gift I would never forget" on my fifteenth birthday, I started getting hit. I would come up with every explanation possible to explain the bruises away. I lied to my parents about having sex, because I was so humiliated - and I didn't want my mom to take me to her doctor - I was afraid he would realize that something serious was happening to me. I also didn't want to have a doctor tell my mother I was pregnant. I was so angry and scared. I really began to shut down when it came to talking to my parents because I knew that the more I told them, the more likely I would become tangled in my own lies. I was sneaking around because of this guy, and did occasionally get caught lying about where I was.
This boy didn't just rape me and abuse me. He got me pregnant twice. He had promised me that if I ever got pregnant, he would marry me. When I told him that I was pregnant for the first time, he hit me and called me a lying bitch. Shortly after I realized I was pregnant, I miscarried. I didn't tell anyone. I told my mom that I didn't feel good, and asked to stay home from school that Friday. I told her I thought I was coming down with the flu, and she made a comment that I had seemed like I was coming down with something for a few days. She let me stay home.
The second time I found myself pregnant, I told him on a picnic lunch at a small state park just a few miles out of town. He called me a liar then shoved me and I fell down a riverbank toward a flooded river. I landed against a tree that had fallen - where he left me. If I had hit my head or passed out, I'm not sure that he would have taken me home. I managed to pick myself up and climb back up to the truck and insist that he take me straight home. He insisted that there was no way that the baby could be his. I'm convinced that it was this fall that caused my second miscarriage. Once again, I sold my mom on the I have the flu story to stay home from school.
Just after the start of my junior year of high school, this guy left me for one of my closest friends at the time. I wish I could say that I walked out on him, but I can't. I even begged him to come back to me. His explanation - that I was too reserved & afraid to experiment in bed. (We did get engaged for a short time - there was no ring and he later said he was joking and that we weren't really ever engaged.) (There was a video of the two of us online at one point - I didn't know we were being taped. It has since been taken down.)
When I realized that he wasn't coming back, I attempted to overdose on painkillers for the first time. I failed, because my body freaked out and I threw up. I felt like a failure because I couldn't make anyone happy with me. I was depressed, and felt like even more of a failure because I couldn't even succeed at suicide.
I had already started to drink occasionally, but I started to drink more and more at this point. I was experimenting with street drugs. I came very close to getting caught several times, leaving someplace just moments before adults showed up and coming home reeking of alcohol after my parents had gone to bed. I was sneaking out of the house to go do things that no parent would ever approve of.
The summer after I graduated from high school, I went to church camp for the second and last time. While I was there, I had a camp boyfriend - like most kids do. He pulled me aside the first day, and told me a sob story about losing his grandmother who he was very close to. We almost got kicked out of camp for going off away from everyone and for PDA. (I held him while he cried on my shoulder.) Until we returned and explained what was going on, the counselors were completely ready to send us both home immediately. We spent the first three days holding hands & spending every spare moment together. Then he decided that he liked another girl from my cabin - who was 14. I was 17 and he was 18. While we were in evening chapel, he took the other girl behind the black curtains that were dividing the chapel (we weren't using the other side that year) and tried to rape her. She pulled me aside as soon as she escaped from him. She told me what had happened, and that she wanted to go home. I took her to talk to one of the female musicians that were doing our worship music that week. She went and found our counselor and the four of us went to go and talk to security. After we got back to our cabin - an hour after curfew - everyone wanted to know what was going on. Thankfully, our counselor saved her from humiliation. She said something about how we were working with getting another person the help that they needed - and that we had had permission to stay out late due to the circumstances. The boy was arrested that night on charges of attempted statutory rape.
After that happened, I tried again to overdose on painkillers, washing them down with alcohol. That was my second attempt at suicide. I just couldn't take the guilt that was following me around. I felt like I had set her up to become a victim, just like I had been a victim with my ex.
When I went off to college looking for a fresh start - I found one until someone recognized me from camp just a couple of months before. She started making a big deal about how I was involved in a polygamist relationship and how I set up a fourteen year old to get raped. At that point, I knew that this was not going away. It was broadcast in front of a lot of people that I had just started to get to know - people with no idea of the larger context of the situation. I began to drink more heavily still, and that seemed to help with the pain of repeated humiliation.
At that same time, I met the first guy that I dated in college (My Story... tells a lot at this point) While he was in jail, I found out that he was wanted on 42 charges in 30 states... Mostly check fraud, tax fraud, failure to pay various bills, and others of that nature. Suddenly, the trips to Western Union and the Currency Exchange late at night made more sense. He always had me drive, but would never let me go in. But I had a lot of receipts from his various transactions - the best that we could figure out was that he had a few accounts in the Cayman Islands that he was doing something illegal with. I turned them over to campus security when I went in to have them help me get a restraining order against this guy.
While I was dating this guy, I started looking into becoming an actress. I started taping inappropriate webcam videos and sending them to a few guys in exchange for gifts and money. This helped to support my addictions.
At this point, my life was such a mess that I just wanted out. I was using very heavily, and trying to just finish the semester. I was planning on dropping out of college after that. I just wanted the time to figure out what my next move was going to be. I was seriously depressed again, and spent time struggling with suicidal thoughts. I was realizing that I was now old enough to pursue the women I was attracted to without my parents being able to do anything about it. I saw who I wanted to be, and realized just how far away from that I was. That night was the first time I tried cutting.
That night, I cut to escape what I was feeling. It helped for a little while. But less than 24 hours later, I still wanted to die. I tried yet again to end it all, but I was caught by my roommate before I could OD again.
A few days later, I met the man who was to become my husband. (again, My Story...)
One Saturday, early in the spring of 2006, a friend noticed how depressed I looked at breakfast that morning. I was dressed like a little kid - overalls, a green long sleeved t-shirt, high tops, and pigtails. I was seriously considering making breakfast that morning my last meal. He saw how depressed I was, and became determined that I would not be alone at all that day. He took me to the fine arts building because he said he needed company while he painted - he was an art major at that time - and sat me down with some of his paint and a canvas. I had never painted with oils before, (I can't paint in oils because I'm allergic - but we didn't know that then) so he gave me a quick lesson and we both painted all morning. He told me that he would keep it safe while it dried - and that I should come pick it up the next weekend. That night, he took me to a punk show. I was broke and couldn't even find the $5 for a ticket, so he paid my way. When I started to get into trouble in the mosh pit - he came in and pulled me out (I was getting too aggressive for my own good). I'm certain that he saved my life that day.
~Fast Forward~
In the spring of 2007, while my husband was studying abroad in Israel, the tone of the relationship with one of my best friends changed drastically. We had always been as close as sisters. But one day, we kissed. It felt so good, like I had always thought kissing a girl would be. I loved her, enough to consider leaving. We had a very physical relationship off and on, spanning the next two years.
While my husband was in Israel, I also walked away from God. I literally turned my back and walked away. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about various pagan religions. In my research, I began to find myself drawn to Wicca. Not just curiously drawn, but to the extent that I adopted it as my own. I began my own Book of Shadows. I started to try to learn to cast spells, and even attempted writing my own. I started summoning demons with the idea that I could control them and use them to do what I wanted. I started learning astral projection and dream walking - two more very dangerous things.
On December 8th, 2007, I lost my grandpa. I grew up with both of my grandpas and an extra grandpa as well. But this grandpa was my favorite. He was always quick to allow us kids to spend time with him, regardless of what was going on. He taught me a lot of things, including how to re-roof a house, take apart and reassemble a 2-cylinder engine, and how to do a basic spot weld. He also taught me a lot about love and respect. He was determined that his grandchildren would be able to take care of themselves no matter what was the problem. We went camping with my grandparents a lot in the summers. But when I lost him, I was devastated. I hit a new low in my addictions. I considered taking my own life again because the pain was so bad.
~Quick Notes~
During this skip: (for the more complete version of this period read My Story...) alcohol, painkillers, bisexuality, physical relationship with my very close friend, finances, cutting, suicidal thoughts and recovery
~Fast Forward~
March 29th, 2011 altered my reality in a very drastic way. It is my dad's older sister's birthday, and it is also the day that her husband killed himself on their front lawn. He had been struggling with depression for years, but we all just wrote it off. We all kind of assumed that it had to do with his struggle to find a job, but that was only part of it.
As many times as I have contemplated and attempted suicide, I never pictured it happening in my own family. In my head, it only happened in other families. This brought that idea to a sudden halt. My first feelings were of deep loss and then anger. Loss in that I would never be able to see him again, that he would never get to enjoy being an uncle to my future children. Anger in that he did this to himself and to all of us, anger that there was no warning, anger that I was expected to accept that it had happened and move on. My second response was guilt. The what if game ran rampant through my head consuming my every thought that was not already one of anger or loss. In this case, there was no one at who I could really scream "WTF have you done? Don't you see how you are hurting us? What made you think this was okay?"
As the days passed, I felt more and more empty. I alternated between wanting to feel something and feeling so much that I was overwhelmed. I was so tempted to cut, both for release and to make sure I was still alive - I did give in once. I wanted to lash out, to let everyone know how much pain I was in, but I felt as though I was supposed to let everyone believe that I was okay and that I was healing. Instead, I just kind of shut down and drifted through the days.
It wasn't until I started preparing for the summer music festivals that I realized I was beginning to feel alive again. Ichthus and Cornerstone both brought me closer to where God wanted me. GothiCon is where the current changed from the inward focus of healing and recovery and turned to the outward focus of sharing my trials and temptations with others to help them. God is definitely beginning to use me and my story. I hope that my story reaches someone that needs to hear it, and if it does, then everything that I went through will be worth it.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Passionate Living
pas·sion
noun
1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7. the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, especially something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior ( contrasted with action).
11. ( often initial capital letter
) Theology .a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper.
b. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.
12. Archaic . the sufferings of a martyr.
Origin: 1125–75; Middle English (< Old French ) < Medieval Latin passiōn- (stem of passiō ) Christ's sufferings on the cross, any of the Biblical accounts of these (> late Old English passiōn ), special use of Late Latin passiō suffering, submission, derivative of Latin passus, past participle of patī to suffer, submit; see -ion
Just as we are called to be like Christ, we are called to passion. I have just given you several of the formal definitions of passion (the others speak of amorous/ sexual passion - which is not the intent I'm looking for.) We, as people, are given a passion for that which we are called to do in the kingdom of God.
The anchors of passion are found among its oldest roots. These roots translated to English are submission and suffering. Christ submitted to His Heavenly Father when He allowed Himself to be hung on the cross for our sins. This can also be seen through the lives of anyone who has ever become a martyr for their faith in God.
God acts in our lives, and changes us when we allow Him to. To accept His unconditional love for us is passion. We are allowing Him to impact us, and responding to His motions. We are called to long for Him, expecting His imminent return.
We are called to be passionate about the work which He has set before us. For me, that means taking those who I told God I would never want to work with, and doing His will instead of mine. I have told Him so many "I will never ..." thoughts, and yet He laughs. Because He knows what His plan is for my life.
We are called to love God, and to love each other. So let us get about His business of sharing Him with others and let Him become our truest passion.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
It Is Time...
So, I've had a song stuck in my head all day. Not something particularly new, except for which song it is. I've only heard it a couple of times before now. It is Wayne Watson's song "For Such A Time As This." As I sit here listening to it while I write, and contemplate the lyrics, I realize just how much it applies to my life right now. I know that God is preparing me for something huge. I'm starting to catch glimpses of what it is, but it is still so overwhelming to me.
Not an official video, but it has the complete song and the slideshow is pretty awesome too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXcJUIAJNW0
I know that God has me here for a reason, though I don't see it all right now. He just gave me these words a few moments ago: “All the king’s officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that they be put to death unless the king extends the gold scepter to them and spares their lives. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king.” When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:11-14.
As much as I have begun to want to do exactly what God wants, Satan is trying to tempt me to do things I shouldn't with just as much intensity. But God has blessed me with those who care about me enough to be determined to see me succeed in all God has for me. :D
Not an official video, but it has the complete song and the slideshow is pretty awesome too! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXcJUIAJNW0
I know that God has me here for a reason, though I don't see it all right now. He just gave me these words a few moments ago: “All the king’s officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that they be put to death unless the king extends the gold scepter to them and spares their lives. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king.” When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:11-14.
As much as I have begun to want to do exactly what God wants, Satan is trying to tempt me to do things I shouldn't with just as much intensity. But God has blessed me with those who care about me enough to be determined to see me succeed in all God has for me. :D
Monday, September 19, 2011
Love's The Only House (part 2)
In the eyes of God, we all have one calling that supersedes all others: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31
No Man Is An Island - John Donne
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
No Man Is An Island - John Donne
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
God calls us to love Him above all, and then to love His children. Because we are all His children, we are all one family. If blood is thicker than water, should we not all be fighting to save all of our siblings that God has blessed us with, whether we share parents or not?
God is Love
God = Love
If God equals Love, does it therefore make sense to deny love (God) to anyone? He calls us to share Him (love) with everyone, so that everyone can come to know Him (love). One of our most basic needs is love (God). I challenge everyone who reads this to think beyond themselves for one month and show love (God) to someone who needs it (Him).
Love's The Only House (part 1)
I radio surf on my commute to and from work each day. This morning, as I was on my way in, I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long time. It's called "Love's The Only House" by Martina McBride. If you want to watch the music video, it's pretty powerful.
Love is the only way to begin to heal the brokenness of life. To truly love, we need God's love first. His love for us gives us the example of what it means to love unconditionally. He would never ask us to do something that He is unwilling to do Himself. Our Abba Daddy gave His only Son so that our sin could be forgiven. John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Look at it again. He wants to save us. From everything. Not just what we thought we did wrong, but from everything that we ever might do wrong. He wants to draw us close, so that when temptation comes, we are not susceptible to the corrupting influences of Satan.
He wants to love us and celebrate His favorite creation. No matter what your earthly father is like, your Heavenly Father is always loving and gentle, rushing to your defense at every threat. He never wishes to see His children harmed. That does not mean that life will always be perfect, because we are still human. There are still problems in the world, problems which impact us close up or from a distance.
This is a lesson that I've had to learn the hard way. Life hasn't always been gentle, but I've come out on the other side stronger because of my experiences. Now, I feel as though God is saying that it is time to put those experiences into the ministry that He has already chosen for me. He is directing me toward starting a ministry for teenagers, especially teenage girls. I've started to reach out to those who God has placed on my heart to reach out to as I prepare, and I feel as though He is continually using these friends to stretch and grow me so that when this ministry is ready, I will be ready to lead it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzM_lxnzi64&ob=av2e If you aren't able to watch it, or you missed some of the words... Here are the lyrics:
I was standing in the grocery store line
The one they marked express
When this woman came through with about 25 things
And I said don't you know that more is less
She said this world is moving so fast
But I just get more behind with every day
And every morning when I make my coffee
I can't believe my life's turned out this way
All I could say was
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
He was walking by the other day and I said
Hey baby how you been?
Yeah I got me a little girl now and she's 4 years old
And she's got her daddy's little grin
And you only want what you can't have
And baby you can't have me now
I gave me heart to another
Yeah I'm a mother and he's a father
And we've got each other
And I found out the hard way that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
You drive three miles from all this prosperity
Down across the river and you see a ghetto there
And we got children walking around with guns
And they got knives with drugs and pain to spare
And here I am in my clean, white shirt
With a little money in my pocket and a nice warm home
And we got teenagers walkin' around in a culture of darkness
Livin' together alone, and all I can
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
And I can't explain it and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand
Somewhere cross the parking lot some bands playin out of tune
City streets are gonna burn if we don't do something soon
And senorita can't quit cryin, baby's due now any day
Don Juan left, got sick of tryin
No one there to show him the way she came down to the grocery store and
She said I, I wanna buy a little carton of milk but I don't have any money
I said hey I'll cover you honey cause the pain's gotta go somewhere
Yeah the pain's gotta go someplace
So come on down to my house
Don't you know that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
Love is the only way to begin to heal the brokenness of life. To truly love, we need God's love first. His love for us gives us the example of what it means to love unconditionally. He would never ask us to do something that He is unwilling to do Himself. Our Abba Daddy gave His only Son so that our sin could be forgiven. John 3:16-17 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Look at it again. He wants to save us. From everything. Not just what we thought we did wrong, but from everything that we ever might do wrong. He wants to draw us close, so that when temptation comes, we are not susceptible to the corrupting influences of Satan.
He wants to love us and celebrate His favorite creation. No matter what your earthly father is like, your Heavenly Father is always loving and gentle, rushing to your defense at every threat. He never wishes to see His children harmed. That does not mean that life will always be perfect, because we are still human. There are still problems in the world, problems which impact us close up or from a distance.
This is a lesson that I've had to learn the hard way. Life hasn't always been gentle, but I've come out on the other side stronger because of my experiences. Now, I feel as though God is saying that it is time to put those experiences into the ministry that He has already chosen for me. He is directing me toward starting a ministry for teenagers, especially teenage girls. I've started to reach out to those who God has placed on my heart to reach out to as I prepare, and I feel as though He is continually using these friends to stretch and grow me so that when this ministry is ready, I will be ready to lead it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzM_lxnzi64&ob=av2e If you aren't able to watch it, or you missed some of the words... Here are the lyrics:
I was standing in the grocery store line
The one they marked express
When this woman came through with about 25 things
And I said don't you know that more is less
She said this world is moving so fast
But I just get more behind with every day
And every morning when I make my coffee
I can't believe my life's turned out this way
All I could say was
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
He was walking by the other day and I said
Hey baby how you been?
Yeah I got me a little girl now and she's 4 years old
And she's got her daddy's little grin
And you only want what you can't have
And baby you can't have me now
I gave me heart to another
Yeah I'm a mother and he's a father
And we've got each other
And I found out the hard way that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
You drive three miles from all this prosperity
Down across the river and you see a ghetto there
And we got children walking around with guns
And they got knives with drugs and pain to spare
And here I am in my clean, white shirt
With a little money in my pocket and a nice warm home
And we got teenagers walkin' around in a culture of darkness
Livin' together alone, and all I can
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
And I can't explain it and I can't understand
But I'll come down and get my hands dirty and together we'll make a stand
Somewhere cross the parking lot some bands playin out of tune
City streets are gonna burn if we don't do something soon
And senorita can't quit cryin, baby's due now any day
Don Juan left, got sick of tryin
No one there to show him the way she came down to the grocery store and
She said I, I wanna buy a little carton of milk but I don't have any money
I said hey I'll cover you honey cause the pain's gotta go somewhere
Yeah the pain's gotta go someplace
So come on down to my house
Don't you know that
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world
Love's the only house big enough for all the pain
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Developing Yourself For Ministry
In order for us to be able to do any of God’s work, we must be committed to ministry for the right reasons.
-Are you here only because you want cheap tickets, your friends are here, etc., or are you here because you believe this is where God has called you to serve and minister?
-Are you honestly taking time to seek out God’s will for you through prayer, Bible study and reading, journaling, meditation, etc.?-Is this the ministry that God called you to for a season of your life but now is He calling you to a different ministry, a different purpose, or are you just not - in your own mind - ready to let go?As much as we want to see our ministries grow, we first must make the point of growing ourselves. Growth requires more than just going through the motions. I, myself, am guilty of doing just that from time to time.
Psalm 42 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. 2My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? 3My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” 4These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. 5Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and 6my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon - from Mount Mizar. 7Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. 8By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life. 9I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” 10My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” 11Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
It is at this point, when we desire God so much that we thirst for God, that we are truly seeking His will.
Psalm 141 1O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me. Her my voice when I call to you. 2May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. 3Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. 4Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. 5Let a righteous man strike me - it is a kindness; let him rebuke me - it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it. Yet my prayer is ever against the deeds of evildoers; 6their rulers will be thrown down from the cliffs, and the wicked will learn that my words were well spoken. 7They will say, “As one plows and breaks up the earth, so our bones have been scattered at the mouth of the grave.” 8But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge - do not give me over to death. 9Keep me from the snares they have laid for me, from the traps set by evildoers. 10Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I pass by in safety.
Sometimes, it is hard to want to move forward in God’s will because the path looks rough and rocky, or dark and hostile. It is in these moments that it is important to remember that while we are walking through the dark valleys of our path, we are WALKING, not sitting down to eat dinner, not setting up camp for an extended stay. We are moving forward, this is a step in the journey, not the destination. Even as we walk, God is there beside us.
Psalm 23 1The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. 2He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. 6Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Isaiah 40: 25-31 25 “To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. 26Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all of these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. 27Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”? 28Do not you know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
It is not within our human capacity to refine ourselves into the creation God wishes us to be. We must allow him free reign to refine us into what He desires - intense and emotional as that process may be.
James 4:7-10 7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Isaiah 40: 3-5 3A voice of one calling: “In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. 4Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. 5And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”
Even when you feel most alone, remember that God hears your voice. In time, He will reveal all that He has planned. We must prepare ourselves though, because we do not know when He will show us what His next step for our lives.
Colossians 3:1-18 1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. 12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
We are all gifted by God, but we are not all gifted in the same things.
1 Corinthians 12: 4-6 4There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.
1 Corinthians 12:27-31 27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 28And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 29Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? 31But eagerly desire the greater gifts. And now I will show you the most excellent way.
James 4:1-3 1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
1 Corinthians 3: 1-17 1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men? 5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8The man who plants and the man who waters have one purpose, and each will be rewarded according to his own labor. 9For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building. 10By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. 11For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. 14If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. 15If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames. 16Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? 17If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him; for God's temple is sacred, and you are that temple.
It is in this time, as we are redefining ourselves, that we must remember that not only are we, ourselves, physically a temple of God, but as we are all parts in the body of this ministry - this ministry is a temple of God larger than we are as individuals. We all will have our parts, and each is as key to moving forward as any other. Acceptance and tolerance are words that have been thrown around too much by the world, pushing us to accept everything and tolerate even more. I am not going to ask us to take them in that broad direction. I want to challenge us all to learn to accept that we all have different personalities and that sometimes we will grate on others’ nerves but to tolerate, no, embrace these differences because it means that we are able to reach out to someone beyond ourselves.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 1:11-12 11In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.
Romans 8:28-33 28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. 31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.
It is beyond our human capacity to be the teacher and the example of God that we are called to be. It is only through God that we can achieve the goal of being like Christ.
Titus 2:7-8 7In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness 8and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.
1 Timothy 3:1-7 1Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. 2Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) 6He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. 7He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap.
1 Timothy 2:1-7 1I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— 2for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3This is good, and pleases God our Savior, 4who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. 5For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, 6who gave himself as a ransom for all men—the testimony given in its proper time. 7And for this purpose I was appointed a herald and an apostle—I am telling the truth, I am not lying—and a teacher of the true faith to the Gentiles.
As we continue on throughout the year, God gives us many scriptures to keep us steady, strong, and faithful. Here are a few that He has given me.
Psalm 103:1-12 1Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - 3who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. 6The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. 7He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: 8The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Micah 6:1-8 1Listen to what the Lord says: “Stand up, plead your case before the mountains; let the hills hear what you have to say. 2Hear, O mountains, the Lord’s accusation; listen, you everlasting foundations of the earth. For the Lord has a case against his people; he is lodging a charge against Israel. 3“My people, what have I done to you? How have I burdened you? Answer me. 4I brought you out of Egypt and redeemed you from the land of slavery. I sent Moses to lead you, also Aaron and Miriam. 5My people, remember what Balak king of Moab counseled and what Balaam son of Beor answered. Remember your journey from Shittim to Gilgal, that you may know the righteous acts of the Lord.” 6With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? 7Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? 8He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
1 Timothy 3:16 Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great: He appeared in a body, was vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was believed on in the world, was taken up in glory.n o
Saturday, September 17, 2011
My Daddy Loves Me
Have you ever woke up to that aha moment when you knew that you had reached a milestone? I did this morning. For the first time in my life, I woke up this morning with a thought that pushed beyond all others. My Daddy loves me. I wasn't thinking of my earthly dad, though I'm sure he loves me. I'm talking about my Heavenly Daddy, my Abba Father. Would you believe, that before today, I was only mostly sure... Today it is an absolute guarantee. My Daddy loves me.
Of course, I've known since I was little that God loved me. But it was just head knowledge, not something that I knew in my soul. Today is different, I felt like I was so loved that I could drown in it. But Daddy wouldn't let me, because He has so much more in store for me.
I know God is taking me to another level when I am this certain about things. There are few things that I truly feel certain of in this life. There are so many that I am uncertain of, tiptoeing gingerly along, hoping that someday I will know the answer.
Daddy, I'm listening. I love You, too.
Of course, I've known since I was little that God loved me. But it was just head knowledge, not something that I knew in my soul. Today is different, I felt like I was so loved that I could drown in it. But Daddy wouldn't let me, because He has so much more in store for me.
I know God is taking me to another level when I am this certain about things. There are few things that I truly feel certain of in this life. There are so many that I am uncertain of, tiptoeing gingerly along, hoping that someday I will know the answer.
Daddy, I'm listening. I love You, too.
My Story...
As a child, I can remember the first times I really talked with God. I wasn’t even sure that He was out there or that He cared enough to listen to a little girl, but I said “Dear Big Daddy Jesus, please take me away from these people. They don’t love me and they don’t understand me. I want to live somewhere else. Please help me. Amen.” I was about 5 years old the first time I prayed something like that. Similar prayers, including praying for my parents to get a divorce, were frequent as I grew up.
I didn’t understand why I felt this way. I mean, my parents loved me and took care of me. I had friends. As I got older, I realized that there was an image that my parents wanted me to present. I constantly tried to fulfill this image. My parents wanted a perfect child, and as the oldest of the three of us children, I was first to try to measure up. They set the bar high, and for that I am thankful. By the time I reached high school, I was taking all of the advanced classes I could fit into my schedule. I joined as many extra curricular activities as I could. I got involved in church. I did everything I could to look like the perfect child, but inside I was being torn apart. Sometimes, I just wanted to relax. I didn’t want to put on the face that said everything was alright when it wasn’t. But I couldn’t let my family see that I was hurting.
That is when the lies started. My freshman year of high school I got hurt at a basketball tournament. After a trip to the emergency room, I was given a bottle of prescription painkillers. They helped my foot, but they also helped the emotional pain. After I ran out, I would sometimes complain that it was bothering me because the weather was changing, I did something to strenuous in gym class or at practice, or just whatever excuse I thought would get my dad to just give me a pill or two out of his bottle. I learned that one of the things that bothered my dad most was to see his children in physical pain. And I became a master at exploiting that. I couldn’t do that all of the time though, so I started using tylenol as a regular thing. It felt good to have the pain dulled.
I started dating a guy that was able to show my parents a total nice guy routine. What they didn’t see was that it only took 3 months for him to go from showing me that great guy side to raping me on my 15th birthday. I started drinking after that, and it felt even better than the painkillers, which I was given several prescriptions for over the next 8 years.
During that time, I quietly struggled with a lot of issues that no one suspected. I became pregnant twice, and suffered two miscarriages. I had started to put on weight which really bothered me. I actually set out to become anorexic, because I knew that was something that I could control and that would make me skinny. My mother unknowingly encouraged it, because she would frequently remind me that I was just getting fat now that I was “laying around the house all the time.” Someone at school noticed that I hadn’t been eating lunches even though my mom had written a check for my lunch money and I had been turning the checks in so my mom wouldn’t suspect. I thought that skinny equaled happiness.
So now I was drinking and mixing painkillers, usually tylenol, which is a potentially life threatening combination. And I was struggling off and on with an eating disorder. But I was numb, and that seemed like a good thing. I continued like that for several years.
When I got to college, one of the first things to happen was that I met a guy who didn’t go to the college where I was at. I was a little bit uncertain the first time I met him, since it was just a chance encounter. But he charmed me into giving him my phone number, and then into a date. Some of my new dorm friends warned me to be careful, and 4 of them went with me to meet him at the mall. When they came to pick me up, I told them what a great time we’d had and that he wanted me to go with him to meet his grandmother. That she would really like me, and that it would comfort her to know that he wasn’t spending all of his time taking care of her. So I went, and with his grandma in the next room, he raped me. But I was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends that. So I stayed silent, and went out with him again because they told me to not let a nice guy get away. I soon realized that I was, once again, pregnant. I quit using alcohol and painkillers again. A week later, I went home to see my family for fall break and while I was gone, he was arrested. He was charged with assault, and during his processing it was discovered that he was wanted for several other crimes as well. I’d known he had a prison record, but he had assured me that it was all in the past and that he was working on turning his life around.
When I found out that he was going to be released soon, I realized that I couldn’t stay with someone who made me feel that unsafe. I told him that it was over, and he was very upset by that. He wrote me letters threatening to kill himself if I didn’t stay with him. He kept calling me, and tried to convince me that the miscarriage was all my fault, that I had sought out an abortion just to keep him from becoming a father.
About a month after everything had settled down, I met the man who would become my husband. I was using again, and the problem was growing steadily worse. I was deep in denial, and just looking for my next escape. I was running toward complete self destruction. I spent the next four years hitting rock bottom only to have the ground give way and fall deeper into my addictions. During that time, several friends staged an intervention because they were so scared for me. I spent years experimenting with alternative religions, because I was certain that a loving God wouldn’t make my life like this. I found Wicca, and began delving deep into it very quickly. I liked the power and control that I felt with it. I learned how to do some very dangerous things. I started my own Book of Shadows, and started researching spells and writing my own. I began cutting myself, adding yet another addiction to my destructive patterns. Occasionally, I would try to stop using something but the withdrawl was so bad that I’d start again.
During the summer of 2008, my husband took me to my first Cornerstone Festival. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I had packed my Book of Shadows, because even though I had given up practicing Wicca, I still took it on every trip I went on as kind of a touchstone to who I was and where I had been. At the festival, I was introduced to some strong Christian women who really encouraged me to seek God and to get clean. I wasn’t ready to get sober yet, but I had to go the whole time I was there without alcohol because it isn’t allowed on the festival grounds. That was a real challenge. But the last night of the festival, some of the leaders of the Asylum and I stood around a fire and I threw my Book of Shadows in. I’d tried to throw it away before, but I kept going back and getting it again. This time I couldn’t. After I threw it in, the leaders that were with me stood around and prayed over me that I would be able to find God in the way
that I needed, not wanted, but needed to find Him.
My husband loved me enough to stay with me through all of this. He knew about my messy past and my destructive present. We knew that we wanted to get married someday. But he promised me that we would not get married until I was clean and had fully come back to God. He taught me that I had to learn to like myself, to love myself, before I could really love him the way I was meant to. So near the end of my 5th year of college, he marched me in to talk to one of the leaders. That Sunday morning, I met a couple of the leaders. I had finally reached the point where I was willing to consider that there were other options besides being the way I was. I didn’t start Celebrate Recovery right away, because I still had a few weeks before graduation.
After I graduated and moved here, I decided that I was really ok, and that maybe all I had really needed was to admit to someone that I had issues and it would be all better. What a lie that was. My husband pushed me to go to my first CR meeting, and I said I would think about it. I’d been burned by counselors in college, and I wasn’t interested in repeating the experience. But he continued to push me to go. So one Tuesday night in May of 2009, I walked into my first CR meeting. I didn’t want to be there, but I wanted him to get off my case. I wanted to be left alone to continue to be the way I was. I was so sure that I was the only one who had an abusive past like mine. I was certain that nobody would ever relate, let alone understand.
Little did I know that walking in that first night would change my life. What I learned in that first night was that other people had problems too. Some weren’t as bad, but some were worse off than I was. I wanted to figure out how these people who were way worse off than me still managed to seem so happy. That first night, I was told that I was probably permanently damaging my body just by the alcohol and painkiller cocktails I was mixing. That scared me just enough to get me to start tapering down my painkiller consumption, but I was still drinking.
On Friday, June 19th, 2009, I made another life changing decision. I came home after work and realized that for the first time in a long time, I had gotten up without a drink, gone to work without a drink, and was standing in my bedroom sober. I wasn't sure if I liked feeling sober, but it made me realize that I might be able to go a whole day without drinking. When I woke up the next morning, I asked myself, "If I can do this once, can I do it again? Can I go another day without a drink?" I continued to tell myself that I can go just one more minute, one more hour, one more day. But making that minute wasn't something I could do alone. I knew that God would give me the strength to continue on.
As I slowly got better, I realized that recovery didn’t mean that I could set a deadline for how long I had to go before I could have another drink. That would build up the anticipation of that next drink even more, which would just end badly. Instead, I had to play on my competitive side - to prove to myself that I could get to the next milestone I set for myself: a week, 25 days, a month.
I had come out of denial on my painkiller and drinking issues, but it took time for me to admit that they were like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. I had felt like I was doing something to fix the holes in my life, but I had just been covering them up instead of dealing with them. It was very difficult to begin addressing the deeper issues of my past because all I wanted to do was turn to my addictions. I wanted something to shield me from my own past.
I’ve continued to dive into my past issues, and I can’t say that it hurts less when something new surfaces, but I’ve learned to deal with it in more constructive ways. I am willing to stand here and be the first to admit that when I’m having a bad day, addictions that I thought were long since passed can come racing to the surface. There are days where it is a real struggle to not go get a pack of cigarettes, to find a blade to cut myself, or to pop a few painkillers and just zone out.
March 29th, 2011, one of my favorite uncles committed suicide. He had been struggling with depression for a long time, and finally gave up. I wish that I could have fixed it, that I could have done something differently that would have changed things, but I can’t. I spent several weeks struggling with guilt I laid upon myself, as well as anger at God. In the first few days after I was told what happened, I wanted nothing more than to cut into my skin and see it bleed. To feel the physical pain that was easier to bear than the emotional pain that I didn’t feel I could handle. I wanted to light up cigarette after cigarette. I wanted a heavy dose of painkillers, something to numb me up and make me forget.
Now, I’m glad that I didn’t light up or down a handful of painkillers. I know that it is just another way that I can see the change from who I was and where I was in the past. I wish I could say that I didn’t give in to the urge to cut, but I can’t. I can, however, say that it happened once shortly after his death and it hasn’t happened since.
As for that image that my parents want me to be, I’ve realized that I’ll never be able to be that person and be happy. I can honestly say that I love them because they are my parents. I’ve shielded them from my past to the best of my ability, because I know that it would only hurt them. As much as they don’t understand me, my faith, or my recovery, I no longer want to punish them for not always being the parents I needed them to be.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Get Seriously Messed Up... In God
A prayer group that I met with tonight, as I do nearly every night now, did this. Not just me, but every single one of us. We didn't eat or drink anything that would mess us up, but we were able to encounter God in a very real way. In a very addicting way. We were all aware of it.
God is calling us into battle. He has chosen to send His most precious possession, His children, into the battle between good and evil. He is calling us to stand, shoulder to shoulder, against the evil of this world. He sees each of us and who we are, what we are, where we are, and He meets us there. He takes our weaknesses and our vulnerabilities and turns them into our strengths, that we may show Him more.
A passage that God has just laid on my heart - Ephesians 5:1-20
1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
God is calling us into battle. He has chosen to send His most precious possession, His children, into the battle between good and evil. He is calling us to stand, shoulder to shoulder, against the evil of this world. He sees each of us and who we are, what we are, where we are, and He meets us there. He takes our weaknesses and our vulnerabilities and turns them into our strengths, that we may show Him more.
A passage that God has just laid on my heart - Ephesians 5:1-20
1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Defend Yourself Against Yourself
Let's just preface this by saying that you are your own worst enemy. Don't question it, because we all know that it is true. We are often tempted to tell God that we can't do something, just because we don't believe we are capable. Even when those around us tell us that clearly, we are. It often takes trial by fire - being put into the position that we have to stand on our own two feet with God by our side - before we are aware that we are ready to tackle a particular situation.
I know I can get that way, especially when it comes to taking on something that God is calling me to do. Even more so when He calls me to step outside my comfort zone, something I wrote about yesterday. He is good at calling me to things; I am not so good at responding the way He would like.
My traditional response when God calls me to something I don't feel confident about doing - which is most things He calls me to looks something like this.
1. Someone telling me that they can see me doing something.
2. My starting to consider that something.
3. People telling me that they believe in my accomplishing/ being involved in that something.
4. Realizing what exactly committing to that something entails.
5. Flipping out and running away from that something.
6. Finding myself in another variation of that something in which there is no alternative but trial by fire.
7. Discovering that I can succeed at that something when I first thought I would surely fail.
I am sure that God would love to see steps 5 and 6 removed from the process, and removing those steps is a process. It doesn't happen overnight, but with the support of others, you can find a reason to believe in yourself. And to believe that no matter what happens, God is right there by your side. He will carry you when you can't walk.
Satan will try to lure you away by exploiting your vulnerabilities, DO NOT LET HIM!! God is more powerful than Satan is, and as long as we own it, we are blessed with the full power of God.
I know I can get that way, especially when it comes to taking on something that God is calling me to do. Even more so when He calls me to step outside my comfort zone, something I wrote about yesterday. He is good at calling me to things; I am not so good at responding the way He would like.
My traditional response when God calls me to something I don't feel confident about doing - which is most things He calls me to looks something like this.
1. Someone telling me that they can see me doing something.
2. My starting to consider that something.
3. People telling me that they believe in my accomplishing/ being involved in that something.
4. Realizing what exactly committing to that something entails.
5. Flipping out and running away from that something.
6. Finding myself in another variation of that something in which there is no alternative but trial by fire.
7. Discovering that I can succeed at that something when I first thought I would surely fail.
I am sure that God would love to see steps 5 and 6 removed from the process, and removing those steps is a process. It doesn't happen overnight, but with the support of others, you can find a reason to believe in yourself. And to believe that no matter what happens, God is right there by your side. He will carry you when you can't walk.
Satan will try to lure you away by exploiting your vulnerabilities, DO NOT LET HIM!! God is more powerful than Satan is, and as long as we own it, we are blessed with the full power of God.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Move Outside of Yourself
Why should we move outside of ourselves? I can tell you right now that it isn't comfortable most of the time. Keep reading though. Moving outside of yourself is more about moving out of your own way so that God can have control over your life. Giving up control? I know, I know. Not such a thrilling idea to the majority of us. But consider this: We never really have had control anyway. We do things that we shouldn't and God saves us from ourselves. We deny Him and sin against Him, and yet he loves us enough to take us back. So why should we keep pushing Him away, literally telling Him that even though He is God, He is not powerful enough to control my life.
So what does moving outside of yourself look like? It takes different forms, but there are some characteristics that will always be present. Taking care of yourself and others, but never yourself at the expense of others. Open generosity to those who are in need, regardless of your own personal circumstances. A willingness to do what God has called them to, regardless of their abilities.
What makes me an authority on this subject? I'm not. But I am willing to do as God asks, even when it comes to things that I have repeatedly said I will NEVER do. Here is my short list:
- I will never teach high school students (I just finished my second week of teaching HS)
- I will never get involved in ministry (The Asylum, Celebrate Recovery, Sunday School - should I keep going?)
- I will never be a ministry leader (again, The Asylum, Celebrate Recovery)
- I will never start a ministry (I was on the planning committee & launch team for Avenue Family Center/ Avenue Church of the Nazarene)
- I will never pray in public (My husband is one of the organizers of a nightly prayer ministry sponsored by The Asylum - and I am an active member in the 9pm session)
Are you seeing a trend here? I tell God that I will never ... and He laughs and leads me to it. I told God that I would never work with teenagers - and now I am sensing that He is leading me to start a weekend retreat for teenage girls. But in order for this new ministry to even have a hope of success, first I must step out of the way and let God retain control of His ministry and my life.
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