Have you ever had to deal with painful memories that were long forgotten, but that came rushing to the surface with all of the pain that has been there since the beginning? Were you able to see it in a new light, or was there so much pain and grief that there was nothing else to be felt? Was it something that you did to someone else, or was it something that was done to you? No matter what happened, it hurts. There is no way to make it hurt less on your own. There is only one who can heal the pain, loss, grief, etc. that you are feeling. God is the only one who can give the healing that you are desperately in need of.
2 Corinthians 2:5-11.
5 If anyone has caused pain, he has caused pain not so much to me but to some degree—not to exaggerate—to all of you. 6 The punishment inflicted by the majority is sufficient for that person. 7 As a result, you should instead forgive and comfort him. Otherwise, this one may be overwhelmed by excessive grief. 8 Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. 9 I wrote for this purpose: to test your character to see if you are obedient in everything. 10 If you forgive anyone, I do too. For what I have forgiven—if I have forgiven anything—it is for you in the presence of Christ. 11 I have done this so that we may not be taken advantage of by Satan. For we are not ignorant of his schemes.
You can forgive someone without telling them, especially if telling them would only enable them to continue harming you. To "forgive and forget" before they are truly sorry is only setting yourself up and enabling them to continue harming you. You can love and pray for them from a distance. When it is a dangerous situation for you to be near them, it is very possible that God has others already planned to make the impact for Him on them that you desire to see. It is never wise to deliberately put yourself in an unhealthy situation.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Emptiness and Tears
Sitting here, feet propped up on the desktop, I'm thinking... (yeah, this is a dangerous thing!)about things. Lots of things. Some make me want to cry, others simply leave an empty feeling inside. So many feelings of abandonment and worthlessness, there is so much hurt.
I've been told to let God have it all. It sounds so easy, right? Well, it isn't. Not in my case. There is so much that I don't even know where to begin.
In the last year, I've gone through two sponsors. I had one for about a year and a half... mostly because that was what I was told to do - get a sponsor. She wasn't there when I needed her most, but I was pretty dang flaky too. I found a new sponsor a few months ago. She was committed it seemed, but she went on vacation two weeks later. When I finally heard from her, it was to find out that everything was changing. It took another week before I found out that she had resigned as my sponsor. That hurt a lot. It made me feel incredibly rejected, abandoned, and worthless.
So, my recovery group is in chaos. They are in the process of introducing a new leader. I'm not sure about him, because his changes came before he ever arrived. He is part of the reason that I lost my second sponsor. He wanted everyone who wasn't trained to sponsor someone to step down. He ended our focused step study, which some of us really needed. A lot of the girls who had been there for quite a while have left, because the changes are hurting them too. We have all reached the point where we are ready to work through our spiritual inventories with our sponsors, and they have left us. It sounds like they might have good things coming, what with more leader training time and a full worship band, but I think for me it is too little too late.
A little over a week ago was the first anniversary of my uncle's suicide. That was really hard for me, because I haven't seen my family at all since we left after the funeral. I spent years trying to avoid going home to see my family, now I'd give just about anything to see them again. There are so many milestones that I've missed, so many that I'm going to miss. I love them so much, even though our relationship is rocky at best it seems. I wish it was possible to show them all of the love I have for them. I wish they could see God in my life, and how much He means to me. I wish I could show them the ministry I'm in, wish I could make them see why it is so important.
I know that my husband and his family have my best interests at heart. But I don't think they realize how much they hurt me sometimes by trying to protect me. I've realized that it doesn't matter if I'm invited to do something with the girls and can't afford to go, or if I'm excluded from being a part of things because I'm not one of the sisters, it hurts to not be a part of things. We were cooking the other day and needed a bottle of wine opened. I grabbed the corkscrew and started to open it, and was told to stop, not because I'm incapable of using a corkscrew or because I don't know how to open a bottle of wine; It was because I have a history of alcohol abuse. It doesn't bother me to open a bottle to cook with, to me it isn't a big deal. But it seems like it was a heinous crime to let me open a bottle that we obviously needed opened. Honestly, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to find a way, whether it is acceptable or not. (Not saying I'm going to go out and start drinking again, but it feels like everyone thinks I am.)
Broken promises. The one thing that cuts me deeper than anything else ever could. Because a promise is a commitment. It isn't right or fair (I know life isn't always fair.) to back out of a commitment just because you don't feel like honoring it. I've made a point to do my absolute best to follow through at all times on all of my commitments. I hold myself to that standard. Is it wrong to hold others to that standard? Is it wrong to expect others to follow through? When you promise me something, I trust that you will follow through. If you aren't sure that you will be able to follow through, let me know before you promise something. I'll tell you not to promise it.
I have a passion for teaching high school students. I know it's not what I planned to do with my life, far from it. I love it anyway. I wouldn't love it this much if it wasn't part of God's plan for my life. But it is. He has made it abundantly clear to me that it is to be a part of my life for a long time to come. It really hurts when you tell me that I need to give up God's calling in my life for a job that just provides income. I know that I need the money, but I also know that after teaching this far into the year, I'm not going to quit just a month before the end of the school year. I know that I'll need to work this summer. I was never confused about that part. Teaching is an act of service to God. These kids have been given up on and written off so many times that they often don't trust those who are tasked with ensuring their health and well being.
I've been told to let God have it all. It sounds so easy, right? Well, it isn't. Not in my case. There is so much that I don't even know where to begin.
In the last year, I've gone through two sponsors. I had one for about a year and a half... mostly because that was what I was told to do - get a sponsor. She wasn't there when I needed her most, but I was pretty dang flaky too. I found a new sponsor a few months ago. She was committed it seemed, but she went on vacation two weeks later. When I finally heard from her, it was to find out that everything was changing. It took another week before I found out that she had resigned as my sponsor. That hurt a lot. It made me feel incredibly rejected, abandoned, and worthless.
So, my recovery group is in chaos. They are in the process of introducing a new leader. I'm not sure about him, because his changes came before he ever arrived. He is part of the reason that I lost my second sponsor. He wanted everyone who wasn't trained to sponsor someone to step down. He ended our focused step study, which some of us really needed. A lot of the girls who had been there for quite a while have left, because the changes are hurting them too. We have all reached the point where we are ready to work through our spiritual inventories with our sponsors, and they have left us. It sounds like they might have good things coming, what with more leader training time and a full worship band, but I think for me it is too little too late.
A little over a week ago was the first anniversary of my uncle's suicide. That was really hard for me, because I haven't seen my family at all since we left after the funeral. I spent years trying to avoid going home to see my family, now I'd give just about anything to see them again. There are so many milestones that I've missed, so many that I'm going to miss. I love them so much, even though our relationship is rocky at best it seems. I wish it was possible to show them all of the love I have for them. I wish they could see God in my life, and how much He means to me. I wish I could show them the ministry I'm in, wish I could make them see why it is so important.
I know that my husband and his family have my best interests at heart. But I don't think they realize how much they hurt me sometimes by trying to protect me. I've realized that it doesn't matter if I'm invited to do something with the girls and can't afford to go, or if I'm excluded from being a part of things because I'm not one of the sisters, it hurts to not be a part of things. We were cooking the other day and needed a bottle of wine opened. I grabbed the corkscrew and started to open it, and was told to stop, not because I'm incapable of using a corkscrew or because I don't know how to open a bottle of wine; It was because I have a history of alcohol abuse. It doesn't bother me to open a bottle to cook with, to me it isn't a big deal. But it seems like it was a heinous crime to let me open a bottle that we obviously needed opened. Honestly, if I'm going to drink, I'm going to find a way, whether it is acceptable or not. (Not saying I'm going to go out and start drinking again, but it feels like everyone thinks I am.)
Broken promises. The one thing that cuts me deeper than anything else ever could. Because a promise is a commitment. It isn't right or fair (I know life isn't always fair.) to back out of a commitment just because you don't feel like honoring it. I've made a point to do my absolute best to follow through at all times on all of my commitments. I hold myself to that standard. Is it wrong to hold others to that standard? Is it wrong to expect others to follow through? When you promise me something, I trust that you will follow through. If you aren't sure that you will be able to follow through, let me know before you promise something. I'll tell you not to promise it.
I have a passion for teaching high school students. I know it's not what I planned to do with my life, far from it. I love it anyway. I wouldn't love it this much if it wasn't part of God's plan for my life. But it is. He has made it abundantly clear to me that it is to be a part of my life for a long time to come. It really hurts when you tell me that I need to give up God's calling in my life for a job that just provides income. I know that I need the money, but I also know that after teaching this far into the year, I'm not going to quit just a month before the end of the school year. I know that I'll need to work this summer. I was never confused about that part. Teaching is an act of service to God. These kids have been given up on and written off so many times that they often don't trust those who are tasked with ensuring their health and well being.
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