I feel like I want to silence the pain of the nothingness that I'm feeling. I just want to push everyone and everything away, but for some reason I don't know how. I just want to end feeling like this, and I don't care how.
(11/3/11) Some of my thoughts yesterday:
I woke up this morning ready to cut myself again. By the time I left for work I was having visions of deliberately walking into lake michigan and not coming out.
i'm so scared of myself right now and just being like this.
and i'm angry with myself for being tempted.
i don't see why i'm still on earth. i'm not worth anything. i'm just a fucked up mess
cause it's just one more step from not loving me to hurting me.
and from emotional pain comes physical pain and abuse.
if i can just control the pain then i'm safe. but putting my heart on the line only leads to pain in the end.
i realized that i have no idea how to love anyone or anything
i feel completely unlovable... even though ben loves me
this morning i knew it was going to be bad when i turned the radio off and screamed at the top of my lungs in the car while driving down i-290
i think the last time i actually opened my Bible was when we were in nashville
i wish i knew what was triggering me to get so fucked up... maybe then i could make it stop
i've had several people suggest in the last week or so that God is preparing to call me deeper again... and if this is what deeper feels like, i'm not sure i want it
it's kind of frustrating to me that i can be feeling so strong with God (like i was last week) and this week i'm ready to end it all... i don't know why i'm like this.
I do want to send a special shout out to four people who saw how desperate I was becoming and didn't just sit there and quietly let me end it all yesterday - Ben, Sheri, Libby, and Rose. You all mean so much to me.
(11/3/11) Some of my thoughts yesterday:
I woke up this morning ready to cut myself again. By the time I left for work I was having visions of deliberately walking into lake michigan and not coming out.
i'm so scared of myself right now and just being like this.
and i'm angry with myself for being tempted.
i don't see why i'm still on earth. i'm not worth anything. i'm just a fucked up mess
cause it's just one more step from not loving me to hurting me.
and from emotional pain comes physical pain and abuse.
if i can just control the pain then i'm safe. but putting my heart on the line only leads to pain in the end.
i realized that i have no idea how to love anyone or anything
i feel completely unlovable... even though ben loves me
this morning i knew it was going to be bad when i turned the radio off and screamed at the top of my lungs in the car while driving down i-290
i think the last time i actually opened my Bible was when we were in nashville
i wish i knew what was triggering me to get so fucked up... maybe then i could make it stop
i've had several people suggest in the last week or so that God is preparing to call me deeper again... and if this is what deeper feels like, i'm not sure i want it
it's kind of frustrating to me that i can be feeling so strong with God (like i was last week) and this week i'm ready to end it all... i don't know why i'm like this.
I do want to send a special shout out to four people who saw how desperate I was becoming and didn't just sit there and quietly let me end it all yesterday - Ben, Sheri, Libby, and Rose. You all mean so much to me.
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