Feeling Miserable

Right now, I'm sitting here feeling miserable. My body is exhausted, my mind won't slow down to let me sleep. I want to cut, just to change the feelings I have. My whole body hurts already. I feel like if I could just go score something to make me feel less numb, I would feel better. It seems like I need something to make me sleep at night and something else to make me feel awake. Don't worry, I don't have a death wish today. I just want to feel something beyond the cycle of numb, pain, and hurt. I want to find out what happy is like again. I know that to go back and start using again will destroy me, but sometimes the physical cravings are still so strong. The cravings only seem to get worse when the emotional is messed up as well. I just needed to tell someone what is going on in my head and my body right now.

Forgiving the Unforgivable Part 2

At what point do you decide that it is too difficult, too painful, too something to forgive someone for what they have done? Do you feel like something has reached the point of unforgivable when you have forgiven it over and over, and yet it continues to happen? I know that in my life there is.

There is someone in my life who feels that it is his right to hurt me. (I don't feel that it is wise to reveal publicly who this is at this point in time.) I have struggled with large memory gaps for years, and now slowly the space is being filled in. These spaces are revealing many abuses throughout my younger years that I am wrestling with being able to forgive him for. I was recently in a position where I was alone with him, and after praying for a peaceful visit, I was subjected to mental and emotional abuse, and was nearly subjected to physical abuse (someone else entered the room at that time.) There were many accusations made, all of them unfounded, but made nonetheless. I was made to feel like the worst person on the planet because I was a failure and would never be able to live up to any expectations at all, save for the expectation of ultimate failure.

Now, I am left to reconcile that the past is not a figment of my imagination and that it did actually happen. I'm finding that I need to forgive things that have happened between this person and I, things that if I were to tell them that I forgive them would only bring more harm to myself. When I first began remembering, I became angry. I am finding that this is no longer the case. I'm not angry anymore, but feel pity for the person.

I know that for me, the hardest part in all of this is not forgiving the past, because that has had some space to not be as all-consuming, but to forgive what is most recent. What occurred recently is much more difficult for me to forgive, because I know that I am not the same person that I was when the abuse initially began. I feel as though I am stronger, wiser, and more experienced in my life than I was then. When I found myself in the situation, however, I feel as though I reverted back to my scared, twelve year old self.

Regardless of how difficult it will be to forgive him for hurting me again, I know that it is what God wants me to do. I know that by holding on to the hurt, bitterness, and resentment, I will effectively find myself distanced from God instead of drawing closer to Him and allowing Him to stand up for me. Forgiving does not mean that I have to reach out to this man, to put myself in a position where I am forced to rehash the incident with him and find myself injured once again. It does mean that I need to let go and let God hold on to the situation. I need to realize that I am a child of God and that I am exactly who He created me to be, not a piece of trash that God meant to throw away and forgot about.