This is a painting that I did back in college as a tribute to abuse survivors & victims. I entitled it "Breaking Apart" with the visual scenario of a woman having her head smashed into a dirty mirror in a dirty bathroom, only to have the mirror shatter and slice her, leaving blood to drip down the wall and the tile where the mirror used to be.
When you hear the term masochistic, what is your first thought? Is it someone who is into being dominated in a sexual relationship? Or is it someone with an eating disorder? Someone who draws pleasure from injuring themselves?
I suppose, in some ways, I am a masochist. Or at the very least, I exhibit somewhat masochistic tendencies. I have struggled with both anorexia and bulimia in my teenage years, even now my eating habits are not all that healthy. I am willing to take care of everyone around me, to the point where I find myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I feel guilty for reaching out to others, especially when I feel like the issues that are most troubling to me would be trivial to anyone else.
It is in the pain that I truly feel secure. For me, happiness is at best, fleeting. It is the pain that has been the constant companion for the majority of my life. It is the pain that reminds me that I am still alive. There are many days where I wake up and my first thought is "Can I die today?". And by many days, I mean 2-3 times a week or more. I've never had a clinical diagnosis of anything except ADD/ADHD, but I know enough to realize that I'm not normal.
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