Sometimes, I just feel like I need to pour my soul out into the universe.
It isn't like I don't have people that I could call up just to talk, but it makes me uncomfortable to do that. I'm afraid that I'll disturb their really nice evening with my emotional chaos. The very idea of actually picking up the phone and making a call is something that I dread. I don't mind if others call me and need to talk, but I struggle to bring myself to do it.
You know, as I think about it, I'm a very selfish person. As much as I think I want to be and try to be there for others, I'm not. People have made concessions time and time again, telling me that it is ok, because I'm so busy all the time. But when I need something, anything, I expect them to drop everything and come running. I'm constantly desperate for the validation of others. I need to hear that I did a great job, even if I can't believe it. I desperately need to hear that I'm worth something to someone. Maybe if I hear it enough, from enough different people, I'll believe it someday.
I keep looking for someone to put their arm around my shoulders and say something like "Baby Girl, I get it. I know how you feel, what you're going through. You're not alone." I need someone to help me unpack all of this stuff that I've been dragging around for too many years. It needs to be unpacked, because it sits in the space between me and God. I need to be able to open all of those boxes, so that I can give Him all of the issues that I struggle with. And yes, I realize that at 27, I'm probably not ever going to have anyone ever call me Baby Girl.
There have been so many strong Christian women who have started down this journey of unpacking with me. They've been there through the opening of some of the boxes, but there are always boxes that I'm afraid to even pick up with them. I'm always afraid that I'm going to overwhelm them with all of the bad stuff in my life, and they are going to abandon me because of it. As much as I hate the idea of seeing a counselor, and as much as I loathe the idea of paying a stranger to listen to my problems, I'm toying with the idea of going. It isn't really in my budget, but if I'm supposed to be going, I suppose the money will be there.
The pain and misery that haunts me from the past is still fresh enough to bring me to tears and rip the breath from my lungs. The line "time heals all wounds" is a load of bull, at least in my eyes. Because if that line were true, why should an event that happened ten years ago hurt as bad as if it were yesterday? This is why I need to unpack the boxes of hurt that are the walls in which I live.
Biblically, anything that stands in the way between God and I is an idol. I don't like the idea of making my pain an idol, but I don't feel as though I know how to be any different either. I asked God so many times to take the pain from me, and His answer has always seemed to be that resounding no. Those who know me well know that I don't take the answer of "no" well at all. I suppose I'm not so different from everyone else on that point... Anyway, even in the midst of situations which were not of my making but caused pain that I am still facing, I asked God to take me out of the situations and He said no. I struggle with the idea that God wants me to hurt or be hurt, and I don't understand why He wouldn't allow me to be removed from situations that I had no control over my presence in - both now and as a small child.
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