Things Best Left Unsaid

Sometimes, the words which long to spew forth from your mouth are best left filtered or unsaid. Sometimes, it is best to leave people unprovoked. Sometimes, what you call a vacation is really a time for me to get myself reorganized. Sometimes, people just shouldn't talk to me. This is one of those days.

I'm on "Christmas break" this week from school and somehow it is assumed that it is just a vacation in the middle of the school year. That means I'm home all day, and because of others' work schedules and plans, I'm left without a vehicle. This wouldn't be so bad, except that the weather has taken a turn for the worse. Since my mother-in-law is also off, we are seeing a lot more of each other than usual. (I really can't say anything bad about her because she is usually awesome!) But this means that we are constantly in each other's way, because we haven't had time to re-establish the dynamics of how our schedules work. It also means that we say something to each other, and then it comes up again when our husbands come home. Which means I hear it twice. Not a desirable thing when it is something I don't want to hear (it is a topic which my husband and I have discussed to some extent, but not one in which we are ready for the input of others) and this repeated discussion is currently rubbing my last nerve raw.

I'm learning that I am going through one of those God-growth stages, where it is best to just leave me to my own devices unless you're going to say or do something that will make me really happy. Part of it may be that I'm probably vitamin D deficient right now, since I'm not getting much sunlight. I did go outside today - the trash and some of the recyclables needed hauled down to the street. Somehow, I managed to drop my favorite coffee mug on the living room floor and spill the entire cup - a special cup of marshmallow toffee coffee - along with breaking the handle off of it. I'm hoping the gorilla glue will fix it after it goes through the dishwasher.

At this point, I would love to be able to go to the gym and take a few classes a week again. My favorite classes all meet in the mornings, now that some of the instructors have changed. Which makes it hard when the first classes of the morning are meeting at the same time I need to be leaving for work. It looks like a lot of the evening classes have been cut, though that may just be for the holiday season.

Right now, I need to interact with someone I don't live with who won't pass judgement on me, my life, or my decisions moving forward. I'm not sure how much more criticism I can handle - and apparently it is only Tuesday (I spent most of the day believing that it was Wednesday). Hopefully, tomorrow I can get some laundry done and reorganize the top of my dresser (the avalanche is inevitable at this point) without too much drama. On days like this, I just feel trapped, like I can't do anything right and I might as well give up because I'm not worth it.

The Meaning of Christmas

Pause for a moment... What is the meaning of Christmas?

Is it something to protest, as those who rail against Christianity are so determined to do?

Is it a commercial "Hallmark" holiday as the media portrays it?

Is it an overrated gift giving extravaganza where we are surrounded by family that we want nothing to do with for the other 364 days in a year?

Or is there a deeper meaning, one that has carried throughout the centuries?

Christmas is a story of significance. It is the story of hope in the face of unstoppable death, love beyond measure, and determination to honor a calling in defiance of cultural expectations. How else do you describe a story where:

• a teenage girl, who finds out that she pregnant while she is still unmarried (betrothed, but not yet married - I'll save the full significance of this for another day) and a virgin? 
• this teenage girl is visited by an angel - Gabriel - who tells her that she is pregnant with a child who is the Son of God, and then this angel visits the man she is to marry... the angel tells him to marry her!
• a king who comes to save all of humanity is born in a stable, because the inn is so crowded that the couple cannot get a room for the night. 

Have you ever considered that Mary knew from the beginning of her pregnancy when the angel first visited her that she knew what would happen to Jesus at his death? Do you think she knew about the resurrection? Think about taking a walk in the shoes of a faithful young woman who God calls to this incredible role. If you were God, would you have chosen a young virgin girl or would you have chosen a strong, healthy woman in her twenties or thirties that had several successful pregnancies that produced strong and healthy children? Would you have chosen a childcare expert? 

Do you think that what Jesus did was revolutionary because of who He is? Did the revolution begin with Him or did it start at the point where his mother was pregnant? How controversial is teenage pregnancy now? How accepted are young, unwed mothers in this day and age? How much more shame and guilt would have been heaped upon Mary? 

Why do you think that Jesus needed to be born in a manger? Was it really necessary? Do you think that it would have been different if He had been born in a bedroom of an earthly king's palace with a midwife there to assist Mary? Does this humble beginning spell the beginning of the end? 

Watch as Linus tells the Christmas story...

So remember, Christmas isn't really about presents, but about the one who came to give His life so that we could have life. We have already received the greatest gift anyone could ever give, if we just choose to accept it.

P.S. Take the time to enjoy your family while you can, because there is no guarantee of tomorrow.

A Most Loving Gift

The birth of a Savior
So low and so dim
The mystery in the East
Redemption begins

A child grows and learns
A man he becomes
One chosen by God
Holy power descends

A man among men
Leading a life
His ministry,
It begins

A leader among many
A rebel by choice
The choice,
Not his own

The Son of God
Sent into the world
A hero for all
Rejected by many

The leaders
Condemned Him to death
His mother
So many tears
She must have wept

Brutalized
Crucified
A sacrifice
For all

He left this world
At the hands of the law
To return
Three days later
A savior of all

The nails that pierced
His hands and feet
The blood stains
On the ragged sheets

A man above men
Walked out of a tomb
Leaving the clothes
Of death behind

It was the women
Who found Him gone
How could they know
Where He had gone

The promises He made
The blood He shed
The sacrifice He gave
The love we know

A gift from God
A loss here below
A mother mourns
A mother knows

A Christmas prayer
That we all could know
The gift He gave
For us left here below.

Christmas Eve and The Passion of the Christ

For the first time in my life, I saw The Passion of the Christ tonight. This movie elicited a lot of feelings, from heartbreak to guilt to desperation. I'm trying to put my feelings into something that makes sense, so please bear with me.

To see the way that Jesus was brutalized just made the story so real. While I've heard that the beatings He received were violent, this gave such graphic imagery that I was devastated by what happened. I wanted to run out and take the cross from Him, because it wasn't His fault that He was being beaten, tortured, and crucified. It was on my behalf.

Because of His suffering on my behalf, the guilt of my sins weighs so heavily on my mind that I can't help but feel desperate to seek forgiveness. It breaks my heart that it was for my sins that Jesus had to be crucified.

Take this and realize that today is Christmas Eve, the night where we begin the celebration of the birth of Jesus. To contemplate that Jesus needed to be born into this world in order to save us, that He was born to die for our sins, that His resurrection was necessary for our faith to continue on into the future... Yet, just a few hours ago, my biggest concerns included what would come in the mail and what movie I would watch while killing time before getting ready to go to a late Christmas Eve service.

I'm still struggling to find words to explain the intensity of my feelings. The thing I wanted most this Christmas was to find out I am pregnant. (I'm not... the insurance paperwork isn't settled yet.) But to stop and think that a young woman gave birth to a child who would save the world with his life. She would have been a decade or more younger than I am now, which means that she would be a teenager. That comes with its own issues - being so young comes with increased risks to both mother and child. Not only was she young, but she wasn't married to Joseph yet; she was "engaged" (they didn't call it that back then, but it is the contemporary explanation.).

When Jesus began His ministry, he was about my age (I'll be 30 next summer.). When He was killed, He was only a few years older than I am now. That just makes it all the more real - knowing He was about my age when He began His ministry and that He wasn't all that much older than I am when He was crucified.

While I'm still looking forward to tonight's service at church, I am also struggling with my own humanity. I feel as though I am not worthy of what Christ did for me. (Yes, I realize that I really am not worthy.) I know that no matter how much I try to redeem myself under my own power, I cannot. I am struggling with allowing God to flow freely through me. I don't entirely know how to explain this, but when I allow God to speak through me, I'm left absolutely exhausted. When I pray for other people, especially when I'm laying hands on someone, it makes leaves me so drained that all I want to do is take a nap. The more I allow God to do through me, the more I feel emptied.

The intensity of the feelings I have right now is so high that I both fiercely believe and yet struggle to be open to the truth. I really feel exhausted and yet like I'm running on pure adrenaline. In so many ways, I almost wish that I was responsible for bearing the weight of my sins so that an innocent didn't have to endure what I deserve.

AudioFeed Preparations

Today, I'm launching into official AudioFeed packing. I've already had a list going for the last week with food items I need to purchase, some health related things have been ordered from Amazon, and I've gone through the meds which I need to replace. It usually takes me about a week and  a half to be sure that I've packed everything I need. For some of the guys I know, simply making sure that they have clean underwear and socks is the biggest concern. I've always been the type to overpack, but now I do it intentionally.

The first thing I try to get in order is the shopping list. I know that I'll be able to enjoy eating in Mama Linda's kitchen. However, there are times when I may miss a meal or two and need to have something on hand. Because I'm part of the Asylum staff, I'll be there early and Mama may not be cooking yet, I need to have something to eat. Even if my sunscreen, aloe, and bug spray don't feel empty now, I'll pick up new this week to avoid running out. I also try to have a basic pharmacy on hand - I can't recount all of the times that someone has gone looking for common meds like Benadryl or Tylenol. Remember, not all fest goers are experienced - some are still learning what to pack.

My next step is to get my toiletries together - a large, durable tote bag with outside pockets is perfect. It is big enough to fit a change of clothes in, along with a towel. Bring a plastic grocery bag to toss your wet towel in, so that everything doesn't get soaked on your way back from the showers (remember to hang it up when you get back to your campsite, so that it is dry for the next time.) Remember those hard plastic pencil cases from elementary school? They make a great case for taking your travel sized shampoo, conditioner, and body wash with you - in the larger style, you can also fit your toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash. Keep items like deodorant, qtips, and makeup remover wipes separate from your shower though. You want these things to stay in good condition and a warm shower won't help them.

Have you noticed that I haven't packed a single article of clothing yet? There is a good reason for this - the weather. Toiletries can be packed ahead of time, because you're going to need them regardless of whether the weather is cool and rainy or extremely hot. You also want to go through them before you go shopping - so that you can catch any missing items.

This year, it currently looks like low 80s during the day, low 60s at night, and mostly sunny. Plan on two outfits a day - a hot, daytime outfit and a cooler evening outfit with a jacket or sweatshirt. Just because 60s don't sound cold, doesn't mean that it won't feel that way after you've sweated all day. Bring double the amount of undergarments and socks that you think you'll need because... just trust me. As for shoes, bring a pair of flip flops for the shower, two good pairs of tennis shoes or sandals that don't have heels, and boots (if you are planning on moshing - save the toes!). Don't bother bringing anything you aren't comfortable in or that shows excessive amounts of skin (for a lot of reasons - sunburn being one of them).

At this point, I'll go shopping for all of the things I need. My food list includes things like premade tuna or chicken salad with crackers, single servings of cereal, dried fruit, individual cans of V8 fruit juice, and some granola bars. I would recommend using a pill strip instead of schlepping all of the bottles, but Walmart has cheap generic versions of things like Tylenol, Pepto Bismol, Benadryl, and Mucinex. A stick of after-bite (for bug bites - Benadryl has one), a couple of instant ice packs, and a pair of very basic ankle braces (I have a set that I think I paid like $2 for) round out the general medical things to pack. Now, I'm going to discourage you from bringing scented items - I get that you are going to want to smell good all day, but these attract bugs and nobody I know enjoys getting bit or stung. (Also, gelcaps melt in the heat - so get tablets if possible.)

If you're camping, the basics include a tent, pillow, and sleeping bag. A foam mat to put under your sleeping bag will make it much more comfortable though. I'm a fan of bringing sheets to top my foam and using my sleeping bag as a blanket. Another good investment is a dry box. It's a plastic or metal box with a seal to prevent water from getting in. This is a good way to keep your phone and flashlight dry at night, as well as protect your glasses (and sunglasses) from the dangers of rolling on top of them.

One of the special concerns that I have is my blood sugar. I have to pay attention to maintain it within the safe range every day, but when I'm camping it becomes more of a concern. Things like being off my routine, the heat, and the extra walking I'm doing can create a low quickly. This means packing emergency glucose - enough to treat myself twice a day, even though I probably won't need that much. But if you're at AudioFeed and dealing with an unexpected low, I'm willing to share my glucose tablets.

Enjoy the festival - I hope to see you at AudioFeed 2015!

A Covenant of Self-Care

New Year's Eve came and went once again. I can honestly say that I gave up waiting for midnight (or even our 11 pm toast - we do ours at midnight on the east coast.) However, I was awake again just in time to flush 2014 down the toilet. I don't know what it was, whether it was something I ate or if the acid reflux issues just triggered my gag reflex, but I hope that 2015 holds better things for me.

As I think about the covenant I have entered with God, I realize that I still don't know everything about it. I'm okay with that, because I have enough faith to recognize that I'll know what needs to be added as it comes up. I know that God wouldn't just ask me to ... well, actually He might ask me to change my whole life. It has happened to others before me. Christmas was just a week ago... Didn't God change Mary's whole life? No, I don't expect to give birth to the Messiah. I do expect God to change my world for His glory though. 

I believe that some of the tenets of this new covenant sound remarkably selfish. Like sleep. Getting enough of it. Or eating complete meals. I feel almost ridiculous saying this, but I feel that God wants me to take care of myself. On one hand, it feels so ludicrous because if my body is a temple for God, why wouldn't he want me to care for it? On the other hand, it feels pathetic to admit that I don't do this well at all. I know that I need enough sleep, that I need to eat healthy meals, and that exercise is something that I need to do on a regular basis. The information isn't new, but accepting and embracing it is. 

When I think about really caring for myself, I feel selfish. Like why should I have all of these needs. There are so many people out there who have more issues and are in much worse situations than I am, so why should I spend so much time focusing on me. I've heard the wisdom from several of the women who mentor me - "If you don't take care of yourself, you become useless to everyone." I don't want to be useless to God, so I suppose I need to get myself in gear. 

Just because I haven't been in a dark place (suicidal) in the last year, doesn't mean that I've mastered caring for myself. Burnout is a different dark place. When you push too hard for too long without giving yourself a break, burnout is inevitable. I can say I know this, because I've been burned out for months now. It isn't anybody else's fault, and after being off work for two weeks, I can say that I do feel better. Quitting my job isn't an option though, so other things have had to go. As much as I love playing with my church's handbell choir, I'm giving up playing with them on a regular basis. I'll leave myself open to being a sub, but I just can't keep going at this pace. 

Caring for myself doesn't mean getting a weekly mani-pedi or buying new clothes every month. That isn't in my budget. There are things I can do instead. I do like the idea of being able to cook myself breakfast and lunch instead of fast food or just raiding leftovers. I enjoy cooking, but adding it to my everyday tasks is a rather overwhelming proposition. There is a compromise - cooking breakfast on Friday mornings and lunches on Saturdays while making enough to last me for the next week. 

Not only can I cook, but I can choose to make healthy meals. As much as I love my food "Southern fried", I realize that it isn't the only way to cook. A couple of weeks ago, I got on the scale and was appalled that I could actually weigh in at 228 pounds. Since I'm only 5'3", this is clearly not a healthy weight for me. I'm determined to take some of it off though. I don't need to be supermodel skinny, but I can lose 75 pounds and become an overall healthier person. 

I don't know what I'm going to do as far as exercise, because right now my everything aches when I overdo it. I'll find something, and hopefully soon. Right now, a lot of my options are limited because it is so cold outside. While I've been off, winter has arrived with a vengeance. That kind of hurts my desire to go for a walk or pull out my skateboard. My best options may be to borrow dvds from the library or get a gym membership. 

I'm working on learning to care for myself, because I won't always have someone else to remind me to do it.