My Uncle's Suicide

Today is the two year anniversary of my Uncle's suicide.

Today is my Aunt's birthday.

I can't even decide if it is appropriate to call and wish her a happy birthday. Is there even a possibility of her having a happy birthday on the anniversary of her husband's death?

I've never called to wish her happy birthday before. I think it would be awkward.

I don't know how she would respond. Would it make everything worse?

I don't want to make things worse. It's a tough decision.

Am I being selfish for not wanting to call?

Is it that I don't want an awkward phone call or is it that I don't want to reopen the wounds that his death caused.

Why does Good Friday have to fall on this date this year? Why couldn't it be last weekend? Next weekend?

I know that I believe in Good Friday as being a good, yet painful thing. But is it maybe just too much for me today?

Will I handle this all better in another year? Or will I still be in this much pain?

I know that to heal a deep wound, you have to open it up and clean it out. Would calling her open it up to be cleaned out or would it just be like pouring a caustic substance into it, burning me and causing more damage? I don't think I'm ready to deal with this just yet.

My heart is still broken.

I still want to go back in time and change things. To convince him that he should do things differently. He cheated.

He cheated life. He cheated himself. He didn't get to see my sister get married. He didn't get to hold my sister's little girl. He won't see my brother graduate high school in a couple of months. There are so many things he cheated himself out of. There are so many things that he cheated us out of being able to share with him.

I want him back.

This isn't fair.

Life isn't fair.

I probably should call.

I don't want to call.

I probably won't call.

I'm not ready to face that call.

Maybe next year.

http://tribstar.com/obituaries/x1281096948/Edward-Lawrence-Allen