Battle Royale

I am locked into a battle being waged around me, over me, for me. I feel like a pawn in a desperate game of chess, looking for that life saving move for an easily surrendered piece. I want to be able to hold it all together and maintain some sense of functioning in my life. It's like I'm trapped on this never ending rollercoaster that I can't even slow down enough to get off of. Seemingly, there is no escape.

Mentally, I can understand that this has been a battle royale through the ages. Satan is waging war on all who believe in God, hoping to entice them away from what is good. I can comprehend that this is a fight that I cannot fight alone. I must allow God to fight for me and allow others to stand by my side as I move forward in battle.

Emotionally, however, I cannot let others stand at my side because this requires vulnerability. I have to let them see what is going on before they can join in to assist. My head knows that I need to let others in, but my heart is in rebellion. It feels impossible to let anyone see what the true chaotic mess that writhes inside of me looks like. So instead, I close the door and refuse to allow anyone entry. This isn't a healthy choice, and I realize this, but there is something emotionally that limits my ability to give in.

It seems that my greatest solace has been repeatedly found in my addictions. These are the devices through which I am able to distort reality enough that I am able to feel safe from harm. Unfortunately, these crutches are being removed from my hands and my life long before I am ready to give them their release. Those who have protected and enabled me to continue to surrender to my vices have elected to remove their shields from my destruction. Instead, I am finding myself repeatedly seeking after things to increase my ability to cope with life, though these things are not exactly what I should be seeking.

The things that I find myself desiring the most at this point in time are a good flavored cigarette and a delicious cocktail. I know I should be chasing after God with all of the same fervor, but the ability seems to elude me just now. A few weeks ago, I was on a spiritual high, feeling closer to God than I had in a long time. Now, I'm on the verge of self-destruction again. I know that I have to choose a path and quickly.

In my book group this time, I am working my way through a new book. It is the "Panic Attacks Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick" by David Carbonell, Ph.D. (http://www.amazon.com/Panic-Attacks-Workbook-Program-Beating/dp/1569754152). While I'm learning some new things about myself which is good, going through this book is one of the more difficult things that I've ever done.