I know that the past several weeks haven't been easy for me. I'm starting to force myself to get back into a routine, so that when school starts, I'll be prepared. God has definitely brought me a challenge with teaching this year as we have more students than we have had in the past and I will also be teaching two classes that are completely new to me. I'm teaching Anatomy & Physiology and Health & Wellness.
When I pictured myself as a teacher many years ago, I saw myself standing in front of a room of cute little kindergarteners. I never imagined that I would be preparing to teach high school students how their bodies work. I don't know who will be more uncomfortable with talking about the inner workings of the human body, me or them.
The last few days I've been out of town. My boss and I have been preparing some of the things that need to be done before school starts, things like schedules and final decisions on curriculum. It was a welcome break from the chaos of my daily life. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, as I was at least as busy as I would have been at home and I was putting in longer days that I would have here. And yet, I feel like I'm moving more alongside God instead of running headfirst into Him.
I am very aware right now of the fact that God is moving. I'm not sure where He is going or where He intends to take me at this moment. I mean, I know that I'm following Him, so eventually I'll end up in heaven, and that He is leading me in ministry alongside my husband, but... It's like I'm walking blindly in a direction that I don't understand, I'm walking in faith, like when Roadrunner runs off the cliff and just keeps going in the air, believing that the road is beneath him. I'm really trying to not do what he always does and hesitate, look down, and fall because the road is no longer there. I know that I need to keep my eyes up, because that is where my guidance is coming from.
As I am sitting here writing, I'm fighting the urge to tear up. For a couple of weeks now, I've cried at the oddest things, sometimes with no idea why I'm crying. It totally weirds me out, and yet I'm finding myself getting more and more used to it. The other day, I was laughing at a joke and found myself crying. Not laughing so hard I'm crying, but literally bawling my eyes out as I'm laughing. I still don't know why I was crying.
I just read a blog post about finding what it is that just sets you on fire. You can find it at jensnextsteps.blogspot.com. When I came back to try to figure out how to tie this all together and close it up neatly, I glanced up a few paragraphs. I just realized that God IS showing me what my next step is. I've known for a while now that helping people heal is part of where God is leading me, but I had never thought about it until just now. How can I help someone heal from their past hurts if I can't talk about my own experiences without becoming embarrassed and uncomfortable? What better way to challenge me to get comfortable with talking about "unmentionable" parts of the body and the abuse that can occur in a bad relationship than to put me in front of a room full of high school students talking about things like this? I think God is really pushing me to step closer to my calling, and that is what has me so uncomfortable.
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