Once again this year, my intention of blogging almost daily has been seriously derailed. I hate how busy life is, even when I try to make the effort to quiet the busyness. I know that one of Satan's tactics is that if he can't lead you away, he can at least keep you busy. This doesn't mean that I've been trying to inch away from God, but there can be too much of a good thing. Between bell choir practice, teaching Sunday school, working, grading work outside of school, searching for a summer job, errands, spending time with family and friends, I've again let my God time become neglected. I honestly struggle with overcommitment. If you ask me if I'm available for yet another "good thing," I'll say "yes." It doesn't matter that I'm severely overbooked, I'll cut into my sleep and crank the stress level a little higher to help you out.
Now, I'm not blaming everyone else in the universe for my lack of time with God. I realize that while I can't just decide that I'm not working for the rest of Lent, I can try to simplify my schedule. It is possible for me to say the dreaded "no" when someone asks me to participate in another activity. Saying no doesn't make me a bad person, it just makes me a person who is working within reasonable boundaries. Boundaries that I'm going to have to find a way to put into place.
If I don't develop a sense of boundaries sometime soon, I'm going to find myself completely burned out. I can feel myself moving in that direction now. The struggle to wake up in the morning because I'm so exhausted, the lack of caring about what food I'm eating because I just need enough energy to push me to the next meal, the zombie-like interactions with others - when I interact at all... these are all warning signs that I'm starting to take notice of. It's when I'm in full burnout that I tend to see some of my worst habits starting to return... things like smoking and alcohol begin to become almost obsessive thoughts and cravings. For me, that last step after burnout is self destruct. That mode of operation isn't just scary for me, because I feel so out of control, but it is scary for those who care about me as well, because there isn't any guarantee as to what point is officially "off limits" as the line I won't cross.
I think that my next step forward is to declare myself off limits for the rest of the night. As I finish typing this, I'm contemplating the comfort of my bed and the sleep that I hope to enjoy. Yet, I feel like I still have about 500 things to do before I can crawl between the sheets and rest. Now, to go and make sure that I have everything laid out for the morning.
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