Ever since I was a little girl, even before I knew of a Holocaust, I have had dreams of arriving in a concentration camp. These weren't just dreams, they were terrifying nightmares. I didn't know how to explain or share about them when I was so young; I just didn't have the words to speak of the atrocities I should have known nothing about. For years, I have been haunted by these dreams. Not just because of the crimes being committed, but because I was witnessing myself living through it.
There were three types of dreams. There were the ones where I was arriving to the camp on a train, the ones where I was watching people arrive on a train (kind of like I was floating above it all), and the ones where I watched myself arrive at the camp while still experiencing everything as if I were arriving (some sort of out of body experience where I hadn't left my body completely, perhaps?). Anyway, the dual experience ones have been the most common over the years, and also the scariest. The out of body dreams usually come with a form of omnipotence. It's like I know what is happening to me before it happens, and with the DE dreams, I experience it twice.
Now, I have never been to a concentration camp myself. The first time I can recall reading anything about WWII was when I discovered the American Girl books, specifically the Molly books. But the dreams started years before that. I don't believe in reincarnation, so I don't believe that it is possible for me to be dreaming of things that happened in a past life. I do know that the dreams became much more vivid and graphic after going to the Holocaust museum in Washington, D.C. when I was 13.
On that trip there were only a few things that stuck with me, other than my intense desire to move through the museum as quickly as possible. Honestly, I believe that I spent more time hiding in the bathroom than I did touring the museum. Some of the images that I carry with me from that trip include:
I literally ran through this part:
Both of these photos are from the website: http://www.ushmm.org
While I have experienced periods of haunting Holocaust dreams throughout my teens and twenties, they have returned in full force recently. We (another teacher and I, along with 10 of our students and several parents) went on a field trip to the Holocaust museum in Skokie, IL about three weeks ago, and it seems to have triggered this latest series of dreams. This time the visit was different. This time the dreams are different now too.
Always before, the dreams have left me exhausted and terrified.This time, I have a sense of peace. I know that sounds weird, based on the graphic content which I see before me. Yet, somehow, I am at peace. I am undeniably certain that the Holocaust (and other genocides, both before and after) are not a part of God's will, but that the human desire that produced such evils is evidence of the free will that we all possess. I am still angered by the crimes against humanity that were committed, but I know that healing is possible.
I knew that I had found peace in these dreams when I was at the museum in Skokie. It was in the rail car that they have as one part of their permanent exhibits. While many of my students (and their parents) were immediately stating that they didn't like it in there and complaining that they were becoming claustrophobic with just our small group, I felt the urge just "sit and be." I've dreamt of being in rail cars just like this one probably dozens of times, but I've never had this peace before. Instead of wishing to race on like the others, I wanted desperately to sit down and pray. To pray for those who had lived through this, that they might find healing. To pray for those who would come after us, that they might remember the history. To pray for those who hate, that their hearts might be warmed by the love of God. I even wanted to pray that as God heals the lives of those who survived such atrocities, that he would heal my heart of the injustices I have witnessed and committed.
As these dreams continue, there is sadness in my heart for the amount of lives lost.There is hope that the next generation will continue to talk about these events, so that they are not forgotten and cannot be denied. There is outrage that someone could be so cruel to a friend or a neighbor. But again, there is peace that God will never abandon His children.
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