Odd mood

Today is one of those days where I struggle just to keep going. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not interested in cutting at the moment, for those who have journeyed alongside me through those terrible days before. I do just want to crawl into bed and sleep for days. I've had yet another day where I want to drink before I've even managed to walk out the door. The biggest incentive to get out of bed is the thought of a cigarette, because I'm still trying to hide my smoking.

I know that I have people in my corner, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I'm dealing with some serious issues from my past, and in this moment, crawling into a bottle of Jack, Jim, or Jose feels a lot safer. A cigarette is simply a way to take the edge off of things. 

I know that I'm not supposed to want these things. I realize that God is the answer. But that doesn't make life any more comfortable in this moment. I wish that God felt close, I really do. I feel really removed from God right now. 

I got brave enough to talk to a couple of friends last night, and they are trying to help me through this. I'm also hoping to complete part of the challenge I was given by talking to my pastor tonight.