Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic

How many of us have heard the phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." I know that many people believe that this is true, that there is no way around it, that it is just a fact. I hesitate to subscribe to that ideology, because I find no hope in it. Why would I want to place my trust in something that leads me to believe that the feelings I experienced in my early sobriety were going to always be with me. Those were brutal days, and I don't want to relive them forever.

I believe that there is the possibility that there is such a thing as a recovered alcoholic. I understand that for some, the best possible outcome is long term sobriety. But for some of us, I believe that there is something more. The possibility of being capable of drinking socially, not to excess, but a glass or two of our favorite libation.

These are thoughts that I started writing back in April, when I was reasonably happy with my life. Unfortunately, I was angry in my sobriety. I wanted to be "normal." I wanted to be able to be "like everyone else" and able to stop at one drink. I didn't want my husband to become upset with me because I had a drink when I was out with friends. I didn't want to deal with all of the drama that went along with an alcoholic who was attempting to drink in moderation again. Eventually, this reached a breaking point.

I surrendered to my addiction. This isn't a pretty concept, as I well know. When I am allowing God to be in control, I am much happier. I don't have to struggle with the anger that I'm not supposed to drink because I had a problem with alcohol. The guilt that comes with feeling as though I've failed everyone around me, everyone who believed in me, is enough to drive me deeper into the bottle. I wish that I could go back so many years and undo the pain and suffering that I caused everyone in my life.

This time, when I gave into the alcohol, it almost killed me. I'm not being dramatic, either. I've got issues with my blood sugar. When I drink, it goes too high. I'm not an insulin dependent diabetic at this point in my life, and because I'm diet controlled, not medicated, there isn't much I can do except wait for it to come back down. While uncomfortable, that wasn't enough to put me into the hospital. It was the after effects that were the worst. I've been known to describe withdrawal as a bitch in the past, but this was like nothing I have ever gone through before. The first week, my guilt made it hard for me to sleep well. Crying myself to sleep from the pain of not sedating my emotions was brutal. But the second week was even worse. I still wasn't sleeping well, and on top of it was the extreme migraine that lasted nearly 4 days. My head hurt from crying, I was congested from crying myself to sleep, and my sugar kept falling because I couldn't keep anything in my stomach for several days because my head hurt so badly. Eventually, I resorted to my emergency glucose, because it dissolves so fast. But every time my sugar dropped again, my head would hurt worse, increasing the nausea. I've never been so scared of the withdrawal before.

I know that there are diabetics who can drink, and I know that there are alcoholics who are diabetic. But I can't see myself ever wanting to live through the last week again. Today, I'm 16 days sober. My stomach is still a bit tender from all of the vomiting. My emotions are out of whack from drinking them numb. The anxiety is ridiculous. Yet, I still hear the Siren's song calling me back to the bottle. It is only through the power of God that I know I can maintain my sobriety and find the healing that I am in such desperate need of.