New Years and New Beginnings

In the process of looking back over 2014 and looking ahead to 2015, I have come to something of a conclusion. I am in a period of metamorphosis. The last year, perhaps more, has been a season where I am in a chrysalis. I have been shielded from experiencing some things, for reasons that have yet to reveal themselves. 

At Audiofeed, one night in the Asylum there was a great night of prayer and worship. I was completely unaware of what was going on inside the ministry tent. Instead, I was curled up in my tent having my own moments of prayer with God.

I have spent a lot of time laying down with God. That sounds really weird, I know. But it is accurate. My most powerful prayers seem to have come from the point where I was physically laying down. In some cases, I was in bed trying to fall asleep. Other times, I just felt as though I couldn't hold myself vertical. Either way, it felt wrong to try to force myself to kneel, sit, or stand. It was as though I was so much in the presence of God that I couldn't raise myself at all.

For years, I believed that prayer was something that I could only do in English or in a foreign language if I memorized the words. This year has shaken that logic. I find myself praying in other languages, ones that I don't know, that I've never heard before. I find myself praying in sync with someone else - using the exact same words - at the exact same time that they are praying them. So much in sync that I don't have a chance to hear their words before they have escaped my lips. I've found myself praying with a fire and a passion that I didn't realize existed.

It is with a searching heart that I have entered freely and willingly into covenants with God. Not only did I observe Lent with the desire to become someone greater in God, but I deliberately entered another one in September. It was to last until the first Sunday of Advent, but it did't end there. As I approached that moment of completion, I felt God calling me to renew that covenant until Christmas. I didn't understand why, but I knew that it was something that I needed to do.

As I write this and raise an eyebrow to the screen, for this is not what I had intended to write at all, I feel as though I am being asked to embrace a new covenant with God. Though it will begin with the new year, it will not be a classic list of resolutions. Like so many, I tend to break New Year's resolutions within a few days of making them. Some don't even make it a week into the year. But this covenant that I will be entering into at the stroke of midnight will last for a lifetime. I don't know the "terms and conditions" of this covenant just yet, but I believe that God will reveal them to me.

Tonight, I have no desire to drink or put my sobriety at risk, because I know that God is planning something greater. In this moment, before I leave my computer for the night, I wish you the happiest of new years. May your celebrations be merry and your days be long in the Lord. 

I Can't Say...

I'm having one of those mornings where having feelings sucks. I can't really voice my true feelings to most of the people around me, because I don't want to deal with their responses. Ultimately, those replies would tell me that I'm being insensitive, that the world does not revolve around my schedule, or otherwise belittle my feelings. I know that it is petty to declare that something was mine first, but really, that is what I want to do. I don't want to share or change. I want to be able to voice my thoughts without criticism. I want people to acknowledge that their decisions are hurtful.

Since today is Thanksgiving and I'm awake before most of the other people in the house, I'm going to post early today. I'm thankful for so much and so many that if I leave someone or something out, I'm sorry. I'm still thankful for you.

I'm thankful for a:
-God who loves and cares for me as a daughter
-Husband who loves and cherishes me no matter what mistakes I make
-Family that I love and that loves me back
-Church that cares for and supports me
-A group of friends that I can count on
-A roof over my head every night, food to eat every day, and a comfy bed to sleep in
-A phone and computer that work, so I can wish my long-distance family a Happy Thanksgiving
-A country where I'm not afraid to open my Bible

Grunge Rock and the Edge

Usually, I love listening to country music. I grew up with it. It seems like it is the soundtrack of my childhood. It makes me smile on dark days. Sometimes, though I'll switch to "Contemporary Christian" music. It can generally take me deeper into worship. Other times, it is a heavier, darker sound but still within the broader category of Christian music. Then there are the days where none of this just seems to fit. Today is one of those days.

The music that seems to echo the feelings inside me today tends toward 90's alternative/ grunge. I don't know why, exactly, this is today's soundtrack, but it is. I'm feeling the likes of Soundgarden, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Counting Crows, Sublime, Nirvana, Matchbox Twenty, and Vertical Horizon. It is like there is a desperation in my soul for something more, something bigger, something deeper. Go figure. 

I mean, really. Who expects music that has little to no relation to a Christian faith to suit the mood of a greater pursuit of God? Most people would label this music as bordering on/ fully engaged in a mood of depression and endings. But I find a raw desperation that tugs at the very edges of my soul, drawing me to a point of openness that most other music will never reach. 

This is a struggle for me. I'm told that it is Christian music, especially worship music that should draw me in closer to God. That it is Christian music that should suit this mood, any mood, every mood. But there are days like this when the songs we sing in church and the hymns that I was raised with just don't feel right. They just don't seem to convey the longing that I feel. I know that I want more of God, and that I should use the time tested methods to find the next step that I am seeking. 

Right now, as I stand at the edge looking over into the fog obscuring everything beyond my toes, I know that God is preparing me to jump. I pray that it will be more like hopping from one stone to the next to cross the river safely. However, I feel like it is going to be a jump where all I can do is pray that my feet end up underneath me when I land, if I land at all. 

Psalm 23: One Step At A Time

I decided to analyze one of the most commonly used passages in the Bible. Almost everyone, believer or not, has heard the 23rd Psalm. This is a psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

³ He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

v. 1

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 

In Hebrew, the name used instead of LORD in this passage is Yhovah (Jehova) meaning the self-existent, eternal God. 

When Yhovah is our shepherd, He is our friend and companion. 

When we are walking with Him, we will not be in need. This does not mean that we will have everything that we have ever wanted, but it does mean that we will have our basic needs taken care of. 

v. 2

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

Yhovah makes us rest. For a sheep, a green pasture is an ideal home in which to lie down and rest. This is a parallel to what He is telling us to do. He wants us to rest in Him, a spiritual resting - and sometimes a physical one too. 

Still water, while pretty to look at, is almost never good to drink. It is in that stillness that the most toxic of organisms has the peace to grow. This is why we are led by it and not stopped to drink it. Moving water, on the other hand, is fresher, does not give time for things to grow, and is safer to drink.

v. 3

He restoreth my soul; he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 

When we allow Him to, Yhovah takes our soul and turns it away from evil and heals it. 

Yhovah has a path which is laid out for us,  and the purpose of this path is to glorify and honor Him. 

v. 4

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. 

While we are making our way through the valley of the destroyer (Satan), there is no reason to be afraid of adversity or harm, because God is with us.

Yhovah's rod is something that is used as a weapon, the source of our safety and defense. His staff is a representation of His sovereign protection.  

v.5

Thou preparest a table in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 

Yhovah is arranging a meal (could be taken to reference the Kiddish cup/ communion) in front of those who seek to bring me harm.

He pours fragrant oil over my head as a blessing. This isn't just any oil though, it is a fragrant oil, and it is likely to be very expensive. Even if it is just olive oil and not infused or blended with various other oils, it would have had a lot of value to those in that period. It seems that there is a lot of symbolism in this oil as it is portrayed to actually represent the holiness and favor of God (see Strong's 8081)

He satisfies me beyond my need. My "portion" is of great wealth and abundance. I am blessed beyond measure. This continues the thought that we are anointed with His favor, because we cannot store up for ourselves anything in the next life on our own merit. What we receive in heaven is something that is only given by God's grace. 

v. 6 

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

To me, it seems that David is confidently expecting that God will bless him in this life, and embrace him into eternity. 

David is anticipating graciousness and favor to always be hunting him. Most of the time, when we think of someone or something being hunted, it suggests that their death is imminent. In this case though, it appears as though David will be hunted by God to receive favor, whether David desires it or not. I think that David did want the favor from God, and even found it to be refreshing because of the tumultuous times in which he was living here on the earth. 

I find this last line intriguing. There are two ways that I believe it can be taken. 

One is that David intends to remain in the temple of Yhovah for the rest of his days here. This seems unlikely, as David wished to rebuild the temple, but had too much blood on his hands to do so. Therefore, it became Solomon who built the second temple, even though David laid the foundation. 

The other, which is more likely, is that David will inhabit the heavenly court of the Eternal Yhovah for as many days as there are in eternity. After all, David is a man after God's own heart.


This is the first Bible passage that I have ever attempted to "translate" or develop commentary like this on. Please let me know of any errors or mistakes that you notice. I'll be forever appreciative of any input that you have to offer, whether it is positive or negative. 

My primary sources for this task include:
1. The Interlinear Hebrew-Aramaic Old Testament, which is Volume II of The Interlinear Hebrew-Greek-English Bible, copyright 1985

2. Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible with Hebrew, Chaldee, and Greek Dictionaries

3. Mounce's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old & New Testament Words, copyright 2006

Inexplicable

Sometimes,
I just don't know what to say.
Sometimes,
I just get swept away.

I get caught up in You, God.
I felt that today.
I'm questing for You, God.
I hope You see it that way.

I feel the hunger
Need the desire
Crave the filling
I need you near.

I can't explain it.
I feel like a fool.
I'm starving for spiritual food, God.
Please let me be in You.

I feel so tossed, Lord.
So beaten by the waves.
Please pour your love, Lord,
Completely, today.

I'm overwhelmed, Daddy.
I know that I'll be okay.
You'll protect me, Daddy.
No matter what man may say.

A Covenant With God

For some time now, I have been longing for a stronger, deeper relationship with God. This isn't a new quest; rather, it is an ever expanding journey. In the last several weeks, God has been calling me to take a giant, flying leap forward in my growth. This leap is something that I have found myself resisting, as I cannot fathom where I will land - as that which goes up must at some point come down. I'm hesitant about the possibility of a bloody and miserable crash landing.

However, God has given me a choice. I can choose to sit and wallow in my present level of belief, or I can take this jump and receive the ability to fly. It is with this decision in mind that I am choosing to jump. With what God is asking of me, I know that I am going to struggle daily to persevere. I'm going forward anyway. He has placed it on my heart to enter into a covenant through the swearing of an oath. On that note, this is the covenant with which I enter (this may be added to as God leads; it will not be removed or modified to suit my personal whims.)

Under the blood of Christ and in the name of God, I speak that in all circumstances I will follow God's will above my own or that of others. In this cause, I believe that God has ordained that I take upon myself the following requirements.

Because I struggle with the need to feel pretty and to put on a mask to hide my true self and therefore hiding God in me, I am going to:
1. Not wear any jewelry or makeup, except for a wedding ring to show that I am married.
2. Not wear any other accessories except for: belts to hold my pants up; hats, gloves, and scarves for cold weather; and scarves and vests as expected by church groups.
3. Not dye my hair, cut, or style it in ways that will draw attention.

Because I find myself becoming easily distracted by the ways of this world, I will:
1. Finish reading the book "Celebration of Discipline" and practice the spiritual disciplines contained within the pages of this book. I have started this book twice as a part of my Lenten study and never finished it.
2. Fast from food weekly, growing from twelve hour to twenty four hour fasts. The times that would otherwise be spent eating will be spent in prayer and reading the Bible.
3. Observe a weekly Sabbath as commanded in the Ten Commandments.

As someone who has struggled with substance abuse and self-harm, especially during periods of spiritual growth, these expectations are to preserve the body that I have.
1. Neither alcohol nor tobacco shall be used.
2. There will be no deliberate damage to skin.
3. No medication of any kind will be taken except when absolutely necessary.

These statements constitute the covenant which I enter into today, September 3rd, 2014. This sworn oath will end on the first Sunday of Advent, which is November 30th, 2014. In the event that this is broken, may the punishment of God be swift and just.

Cleaning House

My spiritual year can be divided up like the life cycle of a tree.
Season - Tree - My Year
Spring - New Growth - Preparing for the summer's ministry
Summer - Full Bloom - Enjoying the summer's ministry and growth
Autumn - Changing Colors - Evidence of the summer's growth is pretty
Winter - Hibernation - Spiritual desolation and an emotional wasteland

It feels like for almost half of the year, I am starving for God. In the other half of the year, I am overwhelmed by God. I don't really know how to explain it better than that. But it is in that time, where I feel so far from God, that I find myself doing something that I would guess is actually pretty common. My job becomes an idol.

When a friend asks me what I have been up to lately, my answer isn't usually about something that is going on with me anymore. Most likely, it has to do with working on lesson plans or trying to figure out what I am going to do with a particular student. Once in a while, it has to do with something I'm involved with at church, like the handbell choir, children's ministry, or another event at church. Rarely, I'll actually open up and share what has been on my heart. A lot of the time lately, I have been more than a little bit likely to rant shortly after I tell you that I've been busy working on school things. I'll rant on and on about my niece and nephew. Unfortunately, a lot of things have become idols lately. Just listen to me talking and you'll figure that out pretty quickly.

I don't want them to stay as idols, but I struggle to release them.

A lot of my focus on preparing for school lately is necessary. I am teaching marine biology, Bible, and math levels spread from pre-algebra to pre-calculus. Take a guess... that is a lot of work, and I'm still waiting on some of my materials to come in. I still have movies that I need to watch, trips to the library that I need to make, and notes to type up.

Right now, a lot of my activities at church are on a summer hiatus, but will pick up again just after school starts. I'm excited for that, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep up with all of them with the increased load at school.

I'm also taking several classes online at the moment. Because being busy is my normal, taking one class just isn't enough.

The kids. I love them dearly. But, to be brutally honest, I need a vacation from them. They have been here almost every other week all summer and their dad has been taking summer classes so that he can finish his degree faster. Unfortunately, my presence has made me the go-to babysitter. This leaves me feeling like I'm being taken advantage of and unable to get much else done.

I look at my desk, my closet, my dresser, my nightstand, the floor of my bedroom and I get overwhelmed. I know the steps to cleaning and organizing, but even making it come down into smaller steps is intimidating. I wish that I knew how to make it less so. I organized my desk recently, and with it came a small touch of satisfaction. Except that even in its most organized form, it still looks incredibly cluttered and it feels awkward to work with. I started trying to tackle all of the spaces in my bedroom yesterday, and by the end of the closet, everything else just looked more overwhelming. Today, I should be working on it more, but I don't even feel like I know where to start.

The concept of cleaning for a few minutes every day as a way to keep the messes to a minimum sounds like a crazy idea to me. It was never really modeled for me growing up, because binge cleaning was considered normal. I guess that is what happens when both parents work full time. It is how I learned to do it though. I will admit that I miss cranking up the stereo and singing along with the radio while I worked.

I miss fresh country air now. And sunlight. (Yes, I know that it is August and that there is plenty of sunlight outside even in the suburbs.) I miss opening up the house and airing it out. It always seemed cleaner that way. Plus, it was easier to clean when you weren't getting high on the chemical fumes.

So maybe I'm just overwhelmed and homesick and practicing a lot of procrastination lately. And somehow it is spilling over into my spiritual life.

I suppose that I should go and at least find the floor on my half of the bedroom. Because my husband's half is already clean. He's organized and neat like that.

Understanding John 3:1-21

John 3:1-21 Jesus teaches Nicodemus

Now there was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a member of the Jewish ruling council. He came to Jesus at night and said, "Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who as come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him."

In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit."

"How can this be?" Nicodemus asked.

"You are Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and do you not understand these things? I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven - the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life."

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."


One of the first scripture verses that I learned as a child (in the King James version, no less!) was John 3:16. I was much older before I learned that there was a context for this verse. But how many of us learned verses by rote, and can still rattle off that the shortest verse in the Bible is "Jesus wept." or that we know "For the wages of sin is death" and cannot finish the verse but remember well the poster we learned it from because of the designs on it.

I believe that this is one of the major pitfalls of children and youth ministries today. We hand out verses on stickers and buttons and pencils, but never take the time to really delve into why the verse is of value. So why would we remember a verse twenty years later and be able to use it correctly? We won't.

In checking out a book on our bookshelf here at home, along with reading nearby passages in the Bible, this is information that can be gleaned to help give us a broader picture of the conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus. The book I'm using is the Holman Bible Handbook, copyright 1992.

So who wrote this book?

Traditionally, this is attributed to the apostle John, son of Zebedee and brother of James. (HBH, p. 606)

Why was the book of John written?

This is information that is actually written in the Gospel of John. "That you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." John 20:31

Why is it specified that Nicodemus was a Pharisee?

The Pharisees legalized the purity laws of the Old Testament, focusing on ritual cleanliness. They also were demanding that people follow "the tradition of the elders" - Mark 7:3 (HBH, p. 608) As Jesus was one who broke Pharisaic law, he was not really someone that Nicodemus would want to be seen associating with. It would have threatened his high position to become a known associate of Jesus.

The Body and It's Gifts

1 Corinthians 12 King James Version (KJV)

12 Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I would not have you ignorant. 2 Ye know that ye were Gentiles, carried away unto these dumb idols, even as ye were led. 3 Wherefore I give you to understand, that no man speaking by the Spirit of God calleth Jesus accursed: and that no man can say that Jesus is the Lord, but by the Holy Ghost.

4 Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5 And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord. 6 And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all.

7 But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal. 8 For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; 9 To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit; 10 To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues: 11 But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will.

12 For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. 13 For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit. 14 For the body is not one member, but many. 15 If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? 16 And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? 17 If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? 18 But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him. 19 And if they were all one member, where were the body? 20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you. 22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: 23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. 24 For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked. 25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. 26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

27 Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular. 28 And God hath set some in the church, first apostles, secondarily prophets, thirdly teachers, after that miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, governments, diversities of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? are all prophets? are all teachers? are all workers of miracles? 30 Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret? 31 But covet earnestly the best gifts: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way.

Think about this. We all have a body. We have ears, eyes, and toes. When was the last time that you heard someone talk with your toes? Have you ever walked on your eyes? As humans, we rather prefer to walk on our feet and hear with our ears. We like to write with our hands and eat with our mouths. So what makes one part of our body more important than the others? I mean, really. Is the toe more important than the eye? There are some people who lose a physical part of themselves, only to be okay with it. But ask them to lose a different part, and they would be devastated. 

While the church, as a body of believers, is the body of God, sometimes it loses a part of itself. Sometimes, it seems as if the heart is missing. Other times, it seems as if the church is walking blindly into oblivion. I feel like that is the way that the secular world views Christianity. It takes an encounter with the individual parts of the body to realize that the parts may not really be missing; the role they play has just been so minimized that the individuals that comprise the parts have become invisible. 

To quote the song that just popped up on my iPod "There is no good reason I should have to be so alone. I'm smothered by this emptiness. Lord, I wish I was made of stone." (The song is "Am I the Only One [Who's Ever Felt This Way]" by The Dixie Chicks.) 

As many spiritual gifts as I have rather suddenly become aware of (or acknowledged for the first time) recently, I do feel kind of alone. While I know people who have the same giftings, I don't know anyone else who has experienced them quite like this. It's like a gift of the week thing. One day, I'm suddenly writing prophetic things. The next week, I'm praying "differently." Just a couple of weeks later, I'm doing intercessory prayer like there is no tomorrow. I don't even have words or names to explain some of the other "weird" things that are happening. 

I've been christened "Momma Liz" recently, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for that. Ben says that I am. There doesn't seem to be a doubt in his mind about that. He even teases me about being the Pied Piper of children. I walk into a room and nearly every kid in there finds their way to me eventually. It seems that kids look up to me, even when I don't want to deal with them. But then again, just last night, I commented that I feel like I'm with family when I'm in The Asylum, but when I'm cooking in Momma Linda's kitchen, I feel like I'm home. Now explain to me how "home" means feeding hundreds of people in just a few hours, knowing that it is going to happen again later and tomorrow...

Liturgical Season - Searching For More?

In my search for a deeper faith, I have been exploring following the liturgical seasons. This is something new for me, even though I grew up in the church. Yeah, sure, we had Christmas and Easter. I even remember the Advent candles, but I can't tell you what color they are supposed to be. In the last handful of years, I've even began observing Ash Wednesday and Lent. But liturgical seasons? I'd never really heard of such a thing.

As it turns out, we are currently in Ordinary Time. No, it isn't named that because it is ordinary, but because the weeks are counted using ordinal numbers.

I would like to learn how the liturgical calendar dates occur, and overlay it with the way that the Jewish calendar runs. I feel like somewhere in that combining there is a true blending of faith experiences.

Three Little Girls

While in high school and college, I wasn't the person that I am today. In the process of "finding myself," I became pregnant. Three times. By two different guys. All three pregnancies ended in miscarriages. For a long time, I was in denial. I didn't want to accept what had happened or to acknowledge the circumstances that surrounded the events. I had gone so far as to even deny to myself that it mattered that I had lost children. Something in my heart tells me that they are all little girls. A few weeks ago, at the encouragement of my husband, I finally named them. My three little girls, Sarah Elizabeth, Anna Naomi, and Hannah Grace.

Since I like to study names and their meanings, I'm doing a post on my daughters' names. And yes, I intended them to all be Biblical names, or of Biblical reference. 

Sarah - Hebrew. "Princess." In the Old Testament, the wife of the patriarch Abraham. Came into vogue with other Biblical names in the 16th century and was enough of a staple for 400 years to have spawned a variety of nicknames. 

Elizabeth - Hebrew. "Pledged to God." One of the 30 most popular girls' names in the U.S.;  in the top 5 in Australia, Canada, and Great Britain. Used in full, it has a pleasant, old-fashioned ring, though some research attaches a "seductive" connotation to it. It is a source of endless diminutives and nicknames. 

Anna - var. Ann, Anglicization of Hannah. Hebrew. "Grace." One of the most frequently used names for girls until the mid-19th century, when it became less popular. When Elizabeth II of England named her daughter Anne in 1950, it became more prominent, but is still more common as a middle name. Though Ann may seem plain to many, its numerous derivatives offer plenty of variety. (I chose Anna after the prophetess Anna in Scripture.)

Naomi - Hebrew. "Pleasant." Old Testament name; the mother-in-law of Ruth, who, after her sons died, said  "Do not call me Naomi, call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me." Naomi came into English-speaking use not with the Puritan revival of Biblical names, but in the 18th century.

Hannah - Hebrew. "Grace." In the Old Testament, Hannah is the mother of the prophet Samuel. The name was steadily popular from around 1600 through the 19th century, peaking around 1800. It is now emerging from disuse, though the European forms of the name -- Ann, Anne, Anna, etc. -- remain far more common.

Grace - Latin. "Grace." Originally had nothing to do with physical grace, but rather with divine favor and mercy. Used in that sense by the Puritans, and taken to America, where it was very fashionable at the turn of the century. Periods of popularity followed in England (in the twenties) and Scotland ( through the fifties). Little used now, but ripe for revival. 

God Still Speaks - Part 2

You are being trained to rise up and fill the places that are being emptied. This is your destiny. You are to be the strength for many. You will be the heart of the cause. Many have poured into you. Now it is time to raise the next generation into a God-fearing people.

You will be mother to the lost, a guide for the weary. You will teach the innocent and foster the abandoned. Your home will overflow with children. There are many who will be blessed by your spirit and your strength.

The big white house is yours. I will make a way. Do not fear your debts. They will be cleared. It is time to clear the house, two and no more.

There is a God. His heart beats for you still. There are words left unspoken. I AM is the plan. It is Ha-Shem who guides your heart. Look not to the right nor to the left, but only straight ahead. For it is in that path that your needs will be found. Follow the course laid in front of you and you will find healing all of your days.

You seek my conviction? It is in these ways that you will be lost. You know that which is not yet surrendered and the havoc which it will bring.

It is not yet time for you to unleash the demons. There are others who first must be made ready. You do not fight, nor provoke, and that is the way it must remain for a season.

I am training you to be a wife and a mother, for it is not only your children that you will raise. There are many who will be blessed to call you Mother, even in the throes of their rebellion. You will be a lover to your husband and a source of his strength. It is he who will be blessed to know you, in an intimacy greater than you have ever known.

It is through you that those you know will come to know Me. It is through your teaching that hearts will be won. Teach with the same fire and vigor with which you worship Me, and the hearts in your care will be mine.

So, follow too, the Spirit and the longings which guide the heart, the heart which seeks to know all of Me. Use the wisdom of the ages which is imparted to you, and let your wisdom stay the course.

In all things, fall into Me. For I am your hope and stay.

Seek ye now the wisdom of the Lord. Find thy heart in Me. Know that your prayers are heard.

Your impatience, may it be tempered with grace and molded with love, for it is not to be denied. When  you seek, you will find. Though your heart may be broken, it beats in time with Mine.

Seek now the whole knowledge of God, for it is time. Prepare thyself in the ways of the Lord, for the time to fight is nigh. Pour thyself into all you do, and abandon conventional wisdom for it is lies.

Speak now, through your fears. It is faith that conquers death. Hear this, and speak your plea. Plead for those who do not know Me.

It is in your pain that they see your strength. Do not be afraid, know that I am near. It is love that will show them the way. It is the hearts of the broken that I give you this day.

God Still Speaks - Part 1

There is going to be a spiritual battle of great magnitude. Thousands of lives will hang in the balance. The devil himself will come close to you and try to kiss your lips. You must resist. It is only by the power of prayer that this darkness will be defeated.

I am training you to be a warrior. You are stronger than you know and that is why you must be on the front lines. Because I am in your heart, you are unshatterable. As long as I am in you, you will remain unbroken. But if my name departs from your lips, you will be among the destroyed.

Keep thy faith eternally. It is by faith that you are redeemed. Your time is at hand. Do not abandon your post, young warrior, for it is through you that many are to be saved.

It is through your heart that the faith of nations will be saved. Speak of MY WORD and how it blesses you. Know that you will fight the good fight. Always remain on the side of righteousness, even when you doubt.

You are dreaming hte dreams of your fathers. Hearing the voices of your mothers. Fighting alongside your sisters and your brothers. This is a battle of the ages.

This is a fight you were born to know.

You fight with words you do not yet know. You speak with a heart that overflows. Your mind, it knows that which has not been revealed. It is you who knows the taste on my lips; it is the kiss I gave you on the day you were born.

This is your fight. There are others. Have them pray for you. They are not ready to fight. Though you feel alone, there are others who also stand alone. They are your comrades in arms. Do not let them fall.

There is a war which your soul still sees. The storm, it rages tumultuously within your spirit. When the storm clouds clear, rise into the light. There is a fire within you. It burns brightly, holding back the darkness from the day.

40(ish) Days of Devotion - Day 39

I'm sitting here this morning wondering a more than a few things. Some are simple, like should I go upstairs and get a cup of coffee? Others are more complex, like wanting to understand the reasons for making the sign of the cross. The third category that I'm thinking about is more practical, like when I'll be able to change my laundry over so that I have dry clothes before I leave. I'm sure that you don't care about most of that, so I'll go get myself some coffee and write more about what I'm learning about crossing yourself.

Since I didn't grow up Catholic, or in any other Christian tradition that does the sign of the cross, it is a new thing to me. I learned how to make it several years ago from secular movies, using less than holy rhymes to remember the order. But as I've been (less than perfectly) reading and praying through A Seasonal Book of Hours, I've started to find myself less troubled by the gesture. There are times where I find myself using it when I am praying, even without the book. I'm still not comfortable with using it in public, but that may just take time.

So, what is the sign of the cross?

According to Wikipedia: Sign of the Cross: The sign of the cross (Latin: signum crucis), or blessing oneself or crossing oneself, is a ritual blessing made by members of many branches of Christianity. This blessing is made by the tracing of an upright cross or + across the body with the right hand, often accompanied by spoken or mental recitation of the trinitarian formula.

The motion is the tracing of the shape of a cross in the air or on one's own body, echoing the traditional shape of the cross of the Christian Crucifixion narrative. There are two principal forms: the one—three fingers, right to left—is exclusively used in the Eastern Orthodox churches and the Eastern Rites of the Catholic Church of the Byzantine and Chaldean Tradition; the other—left to right, other than three fingers—is the one used in the Latin Rite of the Catholic Church, Anglicanism, Methodism, Lutheranism and Oriental Orthodoxy (see below). The ritual is rare within other Christian traditions.

This can lead to another question. What is the trinitarian formula? It is a simple phrase. "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit." These words appear in the Bible in Matthew 28:19. (Again referencing Wikipedia: Trinitarian Formula.)

If this sign is so common, and has a Biblical basis for the words that accompany it, then why aren't we more familiar with it?

Thoughts to be continued in another post...

40(ish) Days of Devotion - Day 21

Once again this year, my intention of blogging almost daily has been seriously derailed. I hate how busy life is, even when I try to make the effort to quiet the busyness. I know that one of Satan's tactics is that if he can't lead you away, he can at least keep you busy. This doesn't mean that I've been trying to inch away from God, but there can be too much of a good thing. Between bell choir practice, teaching Sunday school, working, grading work outside of school, searching for a summer job, errands, spending time with family and friends, I've again let my God time become neglected. I honestly struggle with overcommitment. If you ask me if I'm available for yet another "good thing," I'll say "yes." It doesn't matter that I'm severely overbooked, I'll cut into my sleep and crank the stress level a little higher to help you out.

Now, I'm not blaming everyone else in the universe for my lack of time with God. I realize that while I can't just decide that I'm not working for the rest of Lent, I can try to simplify my schedule. It is possible for me to say the dreaded "no" when someone asks me to participate in another activity. Saying no doesn't make me a bad person, it just makes me a person who is working within reasonable boundaries. Boundaries that I'm going to have to find a way to put into place.

If I don't develop a sense of boundaries sometime soon, I'm going to find myself completely burned out. I can feel myself moving in that direction now. The struggle to wake up in the morning because I'm so exhausted, the lack of caring about what food I'm eating because I just need enough energy to push me to the next meal, the zombie-like interactions with others - when I interact at all... these are all warning signs that I'm starting to take notice of. It's when I'm in full burnout that I tend to see some of my worst habits starting to return... things like smoking and alcohol begin to become almost obsessive thoughts and cravings. For me, that last step after burnout is self destruct. That mode of operation isn't just scary for me, because I feel so out of control, but it is scary for those who care about me as well, because there isn't any guarantee as to what point is officially "off limits" as the line I won't cross.

I think that my next step forward is to declare myself off limits for the rest of the night. As I finish typing this, I'm contemplating the comfort of my bed and the sleep that I hope to enjoy. Yet, I feel like I still have about 500 things to do before I can crawl between the sheets and rest. Now, to go and make sure that I have everything laid out for the morning.

40(ish) Days of Devotion - Day 12

Yesterday, while I was out running errands I picked up a couple of new books at one of the local thrift stores. I was quite excited to walk out with copies of both An Everyday Book of Hours and A Seasonal Book of Hours by William G. Storey. While I don't know that much about them yet, I'm looking forward to starting to read them.I do know that they are written for Catholics, and that I am not Catholic, but I believe there is something to be gained from them. The one thing that I don't intend to practice that I've seen so far is the Mary stuff.

I'm trying to use the seasonal book this morning as there is a section for during Lent. I find the "Morning Hymn" really interesting today. This is what it says.

     O sun of justice, thaw our hearts;
     you draw the spring from the earth's decay.
     Then melt our safe complacency
     which rests content with yesterday.

     The "time acceptable" is now!
     The dormant earth to growing gives way.
     In prayer and fasting thaw our hearts;
     let alms a world remade display.

     You take us as we are,
     and spread our dawning days with light;
     may we rehearse your ways of love
     till all we do gives you delight.

     O everlasting Trinity,
     we yearn to see that day of days
     when all the earth, reborn again,
     is vibrant with its Easter praise. Amen.

I don't know that I have the words to explain it just yet, but reading through the morning prayers is actually rather intense. This isn't a bad thing. It includes multiple prayers, scripture, and some insights, along with sitting quietly and listening to God.

I am definitely looking forward to church this morning, but it means that I need to get moving if I am to be ready to walk out the door with the others.

40(ish) Days of Discipline - Day 10

They came! My books are here on interlibrary loan. :D I decided that I wanted to read more about some of the topics discussed in Celebration of Discipline. So, rather than buy a stack of books that would take up space that I don't have, I'm borrowing them. Here is what has come in so far:

Radical Together by David Platt
Sanctuary of the Soul by Richard J. Foster
Quiet In His Presence by Jan Harris
Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home by Richard J. Foster
The Great Omission by Dallas Willard

I've got a few more on hold that haven't come in yet, but I'm excited to start with what is here. The biggest question is which book to begin with. I'm thinking one of the books on prayer.

As I think about my decision to have fish instead of "meat" on Friday nights, I can see the impracticality of this already. It seems that it is something that will have to wait until my living situation changes. Perhaps, in another year or two, I will be able to do this.

I am still determined to pursue fasting breakfast and lunch on Fridays, but today was not a successful one. This was partially due to having my standard sleeping and eating schedules altered due to a fundraising meeting for work last night. I just want to be healthy about fasting and not set myself up for serious issues because my blood sugar dropped too low. I know that God can keep my sugar up if He wants to, but at the same time, I know that He wants me to take proper care of my body, which means acknowledging its limitations and working with them.

With the weather starting to become more pleasant again, I hope that I can see my spiritual life blossom in much the same way. This past winter has really pushed me to the brink of exhaustion, and it is at that point that I need God the most. Unfortunately, I struggle the most with reaching out to God and to others when I am so drained and feel like I am marching steadily into burnout. The good news is that I have maintained my sobriety now for 127 days, in spite of my struggle to reach out and touch base with my sponsor.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

There is something going on in my head and I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It's like I'm overwhelmed, though I don't really have any reason to be. I feel like my spirit is screaming at the top of it's lungs, and I don't know how to soothe it. This makes no sense, I'm sure. I kinda feel like crying, but I can't see what good that would do. I look out the window at yet another snowfall, and I want to lash out. It's like the snow is punishing me for some unknown misdeed. I'm sure that snow wasn't meant for me personally, but the snow is definitely leaving me feeling thoroughly ticked off.

In this moment, peace escapes me.

I suppose that it could be that my entire day has pretty much felt bass ackwards. Really, I don't know where to begin. I guess there will always be days like this. Literally, my only peace today has been while sitting in the ladies' room at work, and hearing the song It Is Well With My Soul coming from another room on that floor of the building. I had kind of hoped that whoever had it playing happened to have it on repeat. No such luck.

Perhaps, I will find peace again in the bottom of a bowl of chili. I'm looking forward to dinner.

40(ish) Days of Discipline - Day 6

There are several types of prayer. One of these is the "if it be Thy will." This isn't a statement that needs to be in all of our prayers. It has a definite time, place, and purpose. When asking another person for directions, we don't ask someone to give us directions to a specific place "if they want to." They either do, and we are helped along our way, or they don't, and we are left seeking another source for the information we need. It's like that with God. We don't need to have an "if you feel like it" type of prayer life. This type of prayer, when used as your only type of prayer, may quickly leave you feeling like your prayer life is apathetic at best. Another type of prayer is the "not my will, but Yours be done." This holds more potential to grow our prayer life, as it isn't just asking God to do something if He is in the mood to do it. This type can be vital when we are certain of what we want to see the a result of our prayer, but we know that whatever God answers will be the right choice. I can't say that this is an easy prayer, because it requires us to surrender our desires and our will to God so that we can accept His answer. A third type of prayer that we are meant to engage in is intercessory. I'm sure that it sounds kind of odd, especially if you aren't familiar with the word intercessor. An intercessor is someone who stands in the middle and prays. Not physically in the middle, but spiritually. Some people are exceptionally gifted in this type of prayer, while others have to work at it. That doesn't mean that we all aren't capable of it though. This kind of prayer requires compassion and empathy every bit as much as it requires faith. It is used when we come to God and ask for healing or restoration for a person or a family. Yet another type of prayer, a prayer against evil, exists. Have you ever heard the phrase "spiritual warfare?" This way of praying is truly a battle, as Satan wants nothing more than to convince us that God is not enough. As Christians, we know who ultimately will win the war of good and evil, but we are tempted daily to forget what we know. This warfare can be waged on behalf of ourselves, another person, a country, or even the whole world. There are other types of prayer still, but I'm honestly running out of energy for the day. Perhaps tomorrow, I will have more time to write.

40(ish) Days of Discipline - Day 5

Praying.

It is both a simple action and a complex task. It can be done in a moment or it can be performed ceaselessly for the remainder of one's life. Both intuitive and learned, praying is something that we are called by God to do. 

When Jesus first chose his disciples, they had no idea how to pray. That is why we have the traditional Lord's Prayer aka the "Our Father." For those who don't know it yet, or struggle to recall it, here it is. 

     Our Father, who art in Heaven,
     hallowed be Thy Name.
     Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done,
     on Earth, as it is in Heaven.
     Give us this day our daily bread,
     and forgive us our trespasses,
     as we forgive those who trespass against us.
     And lead us not into temptation,
     but deliver us from evil.
     For thine is the kingdom, and the power, 

     and the glory, forever.

     Amen.

This is how Jesus taught His disciples to pray. It is also how many of us learned as children to pray. Unfortunately, because many of us learned it by rote, we never learned the significance of the words that we were speaking. There are other prayers that we also learned in this manner which have become relegated to things that we recite with more thought on which words come next than what the meanings behind them are. 

Looking at the Lord's Prayer, it can be broken down pretty easily. The first two lines are direct address and honoring God. The second two lines are an invitation to let His will be known. Line five is asking not only for physical nourishment but also for God to spiritually feed us. The sixth and seventh lines are asking God to forgive us in equal measure to that which we have forgiven others who have harmed us. The next two lines are asking for God's guidance and protection. Lines ten and eleven are giving acknowledgement to God that all we are given is still His. Wrapping up with amen gives your prayer a distinct ending, but it also means "so be it." Using this concluding statement, you are saying that whatever God's response is, you will accept it even if it is not the one for which you had hoped. 

There are other types of prayers, but in the interest of getting some sleep so that I am able to be prepared to go to work in the morning I am stopping here for tonight. In the next few days, I hope to continue the visit into this chapter, as well as to begin reading another book on prayer by the same author, Richard J. Foster. I've got a few books that I've requested on interlibrary loan to go along with the rereading of Celebration of Discipline. 

     

40(ish) Days of Discipline - Day 4

I wish that I could say that meditation comes easily for me. After all, it is a simple sounding concept: listening to God. That is the moment where I find myself quickly derailed. If it is really that easy, why do I struggle so much with it? Looking back at what I wrote about it last year sheds a little light on it, but doesn't fulfill my need for a complete explanation.

When I first read the chapter in Celebration of Discipline, I thought that surely I would be able to meditate like a professional after reading a study of it. This theory couldn't be any further removed from the truth. What I did was sit down with my notebook, pen, and highlighters prepared to study all of the aspects of meditation. I came out with a good academic understanding of why Christians meditate, where to find references to Biblical figures engaging in meditation, and even good ways in which to engage in meditation. None of this left me capable of effectively meditating, as the practice is done with the heart and not with the brain.

Academic comprehension comes easily for me, but allowing my heart to interpret and understand what God is trying to communicate with me is a huge struggle. I wish that I could meditate like some of the great Psalmists, Eli, or Jesus. I know that this is something that I need to work on, to practice, before it will come naturally. Yes, I realize that this is something I can't force to happen, but I can try to place myself in situations conducive to it occurring.

40(ish) Days of Discipline - Day 3

On Ash Wednesday, two days ago I went and was "ashed" at church. This was a totally different experience. I went to the Ash Wednesday service last year too, but this moved me in a whole new way. Somewhere between singing some of my favorite hymns and having the ashes placed on my forehead, God got through to me. I realized that I came from God and that in the end, I will be returned to God, but that it is in the time between the two in which life is lived. That period of living is a long string of mundane, punctuated with exciting and dramatic events. But it is between those exciting moments that we have the most opportunity to grow closer to God.

I had spent part of the day struggling with what I was going to give up, and I didn't really want to reprise any of the previous several years of giving things up. Coffee, chocolate, television... I'd done it all before. None of it really made any difference except for my level of caffeine withdrawal. As I headed to church directly from work, I was going through the list of things that I commonly hear people say that they are going to give up. It went something like: Well, I could give up chocolate... Nope. Had that today. I could give up coffee... Had that too. Books that don't challenge me to grow spiritually? Nope. Read part of that book this morning.

I had still been fighting with God over what it was that I was going to do before I got to church. I really felt that He was saying that I should give "last year's book" another season, another chance. I really, Really, REALLY didn't want to. Who voluntarily engages in a difficult book that comes with a difficult course of action more that once? Apparently, this girl. It was after the service while I was getting ready for bed that God was able to bring me around to his point of view: I'm in a different place this year and what I take from the book is going to have some entirely new meanings for me.

Last year, I read the book A Celebration of Discipline by Richard J. Foster for Lent. Pushing myself to read this book in the first place was a challenge. I struggled a lot with it, because some of these disciplines were things that I would rather not think about. This year, I'm readdressing this book in a different way. I had started to practice them during Lent as I learned about them. This time, I'll be taking them ALL head on. And with some not so gentle prodding from God, I'm actually kind of excited about it.

In this Lenten season, I have chosen to fast on Fridays. I chose Fridays for a variety of reasons, including some health related ones. I know that with my blood sugar issues, a full water fast is very difficult. I still want to do this, though. As a result, I have decided that I will fast from the conclusion of dinner on Thursday to the beginning of dinner on Friday. I will not break this unless I see that my body cannot handle it, but part of doing this on Fridays is that if I find myself struggling through because of the blood sugar concerns, I can stop whatever else I am doing and break the fast early.

I also am hoping to be able to make my Friday dinners "meat free." Yes, I want to attempt the Catholic "Fish Friday." This may mean a lot of tuna sandwiches, while I watch others in my family eat meals that I normally enjoy, but I'm eager to try this. I actually got the idea from one of my students, who is Catholic. She is giving up her favorite tv show for Lent, along with going to extra services at her church each week and observing the traditional fasts and eating only fish on Friday. If a teenage girl can be that interested in growing closer to God, there can be no excuse for me being too lazy to develop a closer relationship with God as well.  

Scheduling God

Here I sit, on a bitterly cold Tuesday, just after noon. On an average Tuesday, I would be at work, just starting my lunch break right now. But today, it is so cold that we were off of school. This means that I am entirely off of my normal routine. Those who know me well know that I don't tend to having my schedule disrupted well. To make up for being off yesterday, we will be having school on Friday and today's "make up day" will be an additional day next month. I don't like Friday school, because it messes up my weekend. I realize that I'm incredibly blessed to teach in a setting where I usually have a guaranteed three day weekend every week. Except that I have a Friday routine. I'm just starting to get back into my Fridays after having two weeks off for Christmas and New Years. When things keep getting cancelled and rearranged, I'm struggling with my reactions. I want desperately to just be able to chill in my routine, knowing that things will just line up well.

As a ministry wife, this is a serious shortcoming. For those who have spent time in ministry, you know why I realize that this has to change. I need to get better at adapting to change. Some weeks, my husband is home every night. Other weeks, he is traveling and I might actually only get to see him for an hour or two that whole week. This means that we must make the most of the few hours that we do have together, even if it means just sitting on the bed talking with him while he empties and reloads his luggage.

Sometimes, God disrupts our routines. The God that we serve isn't one that operates on our time clock, keeping Himself reserved for those fifteen minutes that we have free in our chaotic, overbooked day. While He is a gentleman, not coming in where he isn't welcomed, it doesn't mean that we can write His schedule too. When we have committed ourselves to His service, and given ourselves and our schedules to Him, sometimes things get complicated. Sometimes, we have to just call and say "I'm not going to make it to this ________ today, something unexpected came up. Let's reschedule _________."

Today is one of those days for me.

I feel like God is just saying, "I gave you days off because I see that you're exhausted. I get this. Now, come and spend some time with Me so that you can relax and recharge. Stop pushing yourself and let me take care of you for these few hours."

I struggle to know what to do with that, but right now I've got my headphones in and I'm listening to a worship playlist. As soon as that first song came on, I felt a peace that I haven't felt in quite a while. I guess God is going to take care of me. I'm still struggling with letting myself just take the break; my brain just wants me to keep trying to update my entire science class schedule to accommodate these days off but still keep the labs on the right days of the week. I don't even have the binder to do this rescheduling; I left it at school so that if something went wrong, someone else could pick it up and know exactly what I have planned for that day. When it is warmer out, I'll bring it home sometimes to update, but when it is cold like this or some kind of being sick is flying around like crazy again, I leave it just in case.

STDs and Sunday Mornings

I did a health class experiment with some of my students a few weeks ago. I'll admit that it didn't go quite the way that I had intended it to. The premise was that abstinence will prevent STDs 100% of the time. One student was abstinent, two more were in a monogamous relationship with each other, and the others had "sex" at will with anyone else included in the activity. One color of the Starburst candies represented HIV/AIDS. The final result was to show that those who are abstinent for life and those who wait for marriage (in the case where their partner also waited) would not contract a STD through sexual contact.

At the end of this experiment, I let the kids eat whatever candy was in their bag...

The next week, one of the students who participated came up to me and asked, "Miss Liz, do you have any more STDs? I'm all out." Another piped up with the comment, "Yeah, they were good. When are you going to bring more STDs?" These comments just happened to occur right in front of a new student and his father. The dad gave me a look that asked a hundred questions. The son was momentarily taken aback, but quickly recovered and declared "TMI!" I proceeded to explain about our health class experiment and that the kids were asking me to give them more candy. Everyone became visibly more relaxed when a clear explanation became available.

Yesterday, I took my niece to church with me. It isn't the first time that she has gone, but it is the first time that I've taken her with me to the early service. At seven years old, she is starting to get pretty good at reading new words, but she doesn't always understand the meaning. This became pretty clear throughout the service. She would grab my hand and look up at me with a confused and concerned expression, wave me down, and urgently whisper a question in my ear. There was no getting away from it; I had to explain to her several of the words. I saw her relax as she realized that one of those "big" words really meant the same thing as several smaller words that she knew.

During the sermon, she was carefully flipping through the hymnal. Mid-sermon, she found the song "The Old Rugged Cross." The question that immediately followed this discovery was "Will you read this to me?" I told her that I would find it for her and she could hear it when I got home. (I did find it on Youtube, and played her the Johnny Cash/ June Carter Cash version. She was so drawn in that when asked a question, it had to be repeated twice before she was able to answer it.) When she asked me what page we were on, I told her that she was in the wrong book. She looked appalled, but quickly found the Bible under her seat. With some help, she found the right page. Her next question, I'm certain, left me with a shocked look of my own. She asked me if she could go up front and read from the Bible. I hope that I gave her the right answer when I told her that she couldn't do it this time.

I do know that she loves to go to church with my husband and I because we will sing along with the songs on the radio. The idea is to try to prepare ourselves ahead of time for worship, since we are serving in the church. Several times, I caught her picking up on the chorus of the songs and singing along with us. God definitely has something awesome planned for this precious little girl.

Touch of Love

Until last night, I wasn't sure what the words were to explain why I need to be touched so much. I guess that I just hadn't ever thought of it from this perspective. But yes, I am one of those people who will probably always crave touch. While I don't like when others can see that I'm not ok, I love it when they ask if I need a hug and proceed to give me one. Hugs, a hand on the arm, even patting me on the head like a little kid (as long as you aren't being condescending about it), are all things that make me feel loved.


I've figured out now that there are two kinds of touches for me, healing and destructive. This isn't like good touch bad touch that we are taught as children. Healing touch is any touch that is given freely, without reservation, and is filled with love. Destructive touch is a touch that is forced and coerced, one with a darker hidden message behind it.

Touching me in a loving way is like reaching into my heart and taking the hand of the little girl inside and promising to help protect and heal her. This is a very wounded little girl, so used to being hurt that any trace of honest love means the world. Healing this little girl is a process, and until she is healed, as an adult I'm not going to be either. So if you see me looking like I could use a hug, feel free to come over and offer if you want to.