Taking Christmas Under Consideration

As I was thinking about Christmas today, knowing full well that today is Christmas Eve, I came to a startling conclusion. An American Christmas is like Thanksgiving with a birthday. You spend countless hours making sure that all of the food will be done to perfection, that you have bought the ultimate gift, and that your ultra-conservative uncle isn't seated next to your uber-liberal cousin. After spending all of those precious hours making sure that your "Christmas" looks ideal, people start to arrive. You'll inevitably have someone knock over their wine, permanently staining your grandmother's white lace tablecloth a unique shade of pink. Grandpa rolls in with his new girlfriend, completely destroying your seating arrangement. And all of those perfect gifts had best come with a gift receipt, because they'll be back in the display at the store before New Year's Eve.

photo: http://www.eleganteating.com/catering/special_events.htm

Even for the less "perfect" family, it still looks like any other family get-together along with some gifts. I'll never forget every Christmas Eve with 15-20 of us packed into my grandparents' living room. There are people who are still surprised by the idea that the "kids table" was at the bar in their living room. But it was the only available flat surface for us to eat off of that wasn't at risk of being stepped in. And Christmas Day, first opening presents with my parents, choosing a new outfit to show off, and heading off to my great-grandma's to help finish the cooking. I was a notorious raw noodle dough thief. I still eat some when I make her chicken & noodles (not to be confused with chicken noodle soup.) We weren't allowed to return gifts unless they didn't fit, regardless of whether they were what we wanted or not. Now, we mostly exchange gift cards, checks, and cash because those always fit.

But as nice as this all is, it still isn't the true meaning of Christmas. The real meaning of Christmas is found in both the gospel according to Luke and the gospel according to Matthew.

Luke 2:1-20

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.
2 (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
3 And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
5 To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
7 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
9 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.
12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
15 And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.
16 And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.
17 And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child.
18 And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds.
19 But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.
20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Matthew 2:1-23

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem 2 and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews?We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.”

3 When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. 4 When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. 5 “In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written:
6 “‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for out of you will come a ruler
who will shepherd my people Israel.’”
7 Then Herod called the Magi secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. 8 He sent them to Bethlehem and said, “Go and search carefully for the child. As soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and worship him.”
9 After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. 10 When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. 11 On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.12 And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, they returned to their country by another route.

The Escape to Egypt

13 When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. “Get up,” he said, “take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.”
14 So he got up, took the child and his mother during the night and left for Egypt, 15 where he stayed until the death of Herod. And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son.”
16 When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.17 Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:
18 “A voice is heard in Ramah,
weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more.”

The Return to Nazareth

19 After Herod died, an angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt 20 and said, “Get up, take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child’s life are dead.”
21 So he got up, took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. 22 But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, 23 and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth. So was fulfilled what was said through the prophets, that he would be called a Nazarene.

This is what Christmas is all about. It is about the celebration of the birth of the One who was sent to save the world. A King with the humblest of births. A King that we as Christians honor and serve.You could even say that it is about having a faith great enough to believe in miracles. So tomorrow morning, as you get up and open presents with your families, remind each other of what the day is intended to glorify. 

Have A Merry Christmas!

Enjoy this video as Linus tells Charlie Brown what Christmas is all about. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeVDOu2_Fuc

There's Not An App For That... ?

We live in such an instant gratification, have it all at your fingertips world that it is incredible to think that there is something that we can't have within 24 hours. We can order a Christmas gift online on December 23rd and have it delivered, wrapped, and under the tree to open on Christmas morning. Need a coupon for your favorite restaurant or store? Just download the app to your smartphone. I'm nearly convinced that there are only two things that I can't get while sitting at my keyboard or playing with my phone. I can't get a face to face relationship with another person while I'm busy playing perusing Facebook, and I can't find God in a game of Candy Crush Saga.

It is impossible to develop a real, lasting relationship in 140 characters or less. You need that human to human interaction to foster a connection that is more than just a little bit superficial. We are so engrossed in knowing what everyone is doing every second of every day that sometimes, we forget to actually connect. Reading status updates does not a relationship make. You don't have to see someone every day in order to be great friends, but there is a lack of information when the only communication that you use is digital. I still have family and friends that I have a hard time connecting with, because they refuse to use FB, email, or texting. But I also have people in my life that I forget to interact with, because I saw that picture of them just last week hugging their cat.

As someone who isn't terrified of the internet, I realize that there are many good resources for Biblical study and learning. It doesn't matter if you can memorize the entire Bible, though, if the messages contained inside the covers of this much loved book are simply words on a page. There is more to a relationship with God than just a study of His word. If you keep your relationship with God restricted to what you can read about what He says, then you are missing out on something great. You have sacrificed a true and real relationship with your Creator.

Take a moment to pray.

Didn't that take less time than formulating a new way to tweet the same old post about folding laundry? Why not spend more time in prayer and less time engrossed in consuming all that the world has to offer. Now, I'm not saying that we should all abandon technology because it has the potential to come between us and God. What I am saying is that we shouldn't allow technology to take the place of God.

Selfish Idols

Sometimes, I just feel like I need to pour my soul out into the universe.

It isn't like I don't have people that I could call up just to talk, but it makes me uncomfortable to do that. I'm afraid that I'll disturb their really nice evening with my emotional chaos. The very idea of actually picking up the phone and making a call is something that I dread. I don't mind if others call me and need to talk, but I struggle to bring myself to do it.

You know, as I think about it, I'm a very selfish person. As much as I think I want to be and try to be there for others, I'm not. People have made concessions time and time again, telling me that it is ok, because I'm so busy all the time. But when I need something, anything, I expect them to drop everything and come running. I'm constantly desperate for the validation of others. I need to hear that I did a great job, even if I can't believe it. I desperately need to hear that I'm worth something to someone. Maybe if I hear it enough, from enough different people, I'll believe it someday.

I keep looking for someone to put their arm around my shoulders and say something like "Baby Girl, I get it. I know how you feel, what you're going through. You're not alone." I need someone to help me unpack all of this stuff that I've been dragging around for too many years. It needs to be unpacked, because it sits in the space between me and God. I need to be able to open all of those boxes, so that I can give Him all of the issues that I struggle with. And yes, I realize that at 27, I'm probably not ever going to have anyone ever call me Baby Girl.

There have been so many strong Christian women who have started down this journey of unpacking with me. They've been there through the opening of some of the boxes, but there are always boxes that I'm afraid to even pick up with them. I'm always afraid that I'm going to overwhelm them with all of the bad stuff in my life, and they are going to abandon me because of it. As much as I hate the idea of seeing a counselor, and as much as I loathe the idea of paying a stranger to listen to my problems, I'm toying with the idea of going. It isn't really in my budget, but if I'm supposed to be going, I suppose the money will be there.

The pain and misery that haunts me from the past is still fresh enough to bring me to tears and rip the breath from my lungs. The line "time heals all wounds" is a load of bull, at least in my eyes. Because if that line were true, why should an event that happened ten years ago hurt as bad as if it were yesterday? This is why I need to unpack the boxes of hurt that are the walls in which I live.

Biblically, anything that stands in the way between God and I is an idol. I don't like the idea of making my pain an idol, but I don't feel as though I know how to be any different either. I asked God so many times to take the pain from me, and His answer has always seemed to be that resounding no. Those who know me well know that I don't take the answer of "no" well at all. I suppose I'm not so different from everyone else on that point...  Anyway, even in the midst of situations which were not of my making but caused pain that I am still facing, I asked God to take me out of the situations and He said no. I struggle with the idea that God wants me to hurt or be hurt, and I don't understand why He wouldn't allow me to be removed from situations that I had no control over my presence in - both now and as a small child.

Celebrating

I'm celebrating 20 days sober today, and I don't feel as if I can tell most of the people in my life right now.

God Shall Set You Free

Image Source: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history-archaeology/Can-Auschwitz-Be-Saved.html

Ever since I was a little girl, even before I knew of a Holocaust, I have had dreams of arriving in a concentration camp. These weren't just dreams, they were terrifying nightmares. I didn't know how to explain or share about them when I was so young; I just didn't have the words to speak of the atrocities I should have known nothing about. For years, I have been haunted by these dreams. Not just because of the crimes being committed, but because I was witnessing myself living through it. 

There were three types of dreams. There were the ones where I was arriving to the camp on a train, the ones where I was watching people arrive on a train (kind of like I was floating above it all), and the ones where I watched myself arrive at the camp while still experiencing everything as if I were arriving (some sort of out of body experience where I hadn't left my body completely, perhaps?). Anyway, the dual experience ones have been the most common over the years, and also the scariest. The out of body dreams usually come with a form of omnipotence. It's like I know what is happening to me before it happens, and with the DE dreams, I experience it twice. 

Now, I have never been to a concentration camp myself. The first time I can recall reading anything about WWII was when I discovered the American Girl books, specifically the Molly books. But the dreams started years before that. I don't believe in reincarnation, so I don't believe that it is possible for me to be dreaming of things that happened in a past life. I do know that the dreams became much more vivid and graphic after going to the Holocaust museum in Washington, D.C. when I was 13. 

On that trip there were only a few things that stuck with me, other than my intense desire to move through the museum as quickly as possible. Honestly, I believe that I spent more time hiding in the bathroom than I did touring the museum. Some of the images that I carry with me from that trip include:

I literally ran through this part:

Both of these photos are from the website: http://www.ushmm.org

While I have experienced periods of haunting Holocaust dreams throughout my teens and twenties, they have returned in full force recently. We (another teacher and I, along with 10 of our students and several parents) went on a field trip to the Holocaust museum in Skokie, IL about three weeks ago, and it seems to have triggered this latest series of dreams. This time the visit was different. This time the dreams are different now too. 

Always before, the dreams have left me exhausted and terrified.This time, I have a sense of peace. I know that sounds weird, based on the graphic content which I see before me. Yet, somehow, I am at peace. I am undeniably certain that the Holocaust (and other genocides, both before and after) are not a part of God's will, but that the human desire that produced such evils is evidence of the free will that we all possess. I am still angered by the crimes against humanity that were committed, but I know that healing is possible.

I knew that I had found peace in these dreams when I was at the museum in Skokie. It was in the rail car that they have as one part of their permanent exhibits. While many of my students (and their parents) were immediately stating that they didn't like it in there and complaining that they were becoming claustrophobic with just our small group, I felt the urge just "sit and be." I've dreamt of being in rail cars just like this one probably dozens of times, but I've never had this peace before. Instead of wishing to race on like the others, I wanted desperately to sit down and pray. To pray for those who had lived through this, that they might find healing. To pray for those who would come after us, that they might remember the history. To pray for those who hate, that their hearts might be warmed by the love of God. I even wanted to pray that as God heals the lives of those who survived such atrocities, that he would heal my heart of the injustices I have witnessed and committed. 

As these dreams continue, there is sadness in my heart for the amount of lives lost.There is hope that the next generation will continue to talk about these events, so that they are not forgotten and cannot be denied. There is outrage that someone could be so cruel to a friend or a neighbor. But again, there is peace that God will never abandon His children. 

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic

How many of us have heard the phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic." I know that many people believe that this is true, that there is no way around it, that it is just a fact. I hesitate to subscribe to that ideology, because I find no hope in it. Why would I want to place my trust in something that leads me to believe that the feelings I experienced in my early sobriety were going to always be with me. Those were brutal days, and I don't want to relive them forever.

I believe that there is the possibility that there is such a thing as a recovered alcoholic. I understand that for some, the best possible outcome is long term sobriety. But for some of us, I believe that there is something more. The possibility of being capable of drinking socially, not to excess, but a glass or two of our favorite libation.

These are thoughts that I started writing back in April, when I was reasonably happy with my life. Unfortunately, I was angry in my sobriety. I wanted to be "normal." I wanted to be able to be "like everyone else" and able to stop at one drink. I didn't want my husband to become upset with me because I had a drink when I was out with friends. I didn't want to deal with all of the drama that went along with an alcoholic who was attempting to drink in moderation again. Eventually, this reached a breaking point.

I surrendered to my addiction. This isn't a pretty concept, as I well know. When I am allowing God to be in control, I am much happier. I don't have to struggle with the anger that I'm not supposed to drink because I had a problem with alcohol. The guilt that comes with feeling as though I've failed everyone around me, everyone who believed in me, is enough to drive me deeper into the bottle. I wish that I could go back so many years and undo the pain and suffering that I caused everyone in my life.

This time, when I gave into the alcohol, it almost killed me. I'm not being dramatic, either. I've got issues with my blood sugar. When I drink, it goes too high. I'm not an insulin dependent diabetic at this point in my life, and because I'm diet controlled, not medicated, there isn't much I can do except wait for it to come back down. While uncomfortable, that wasn't enough to put me into the hospital. It was the after effects that were the worst. I've been known to describe withdrawal as a bitch in the past, but this was like nothing I have ever gone through before. The first week, my guilt made it hard for me to sleep well. Crying myself to sleep from the pain of not sedating my emotions was brutal. But the second week was even worse. I still wasn't sleeping well, and on top of it was the extreme migraine that lasted nearly 4 days. My head hurt from crying, I was congested from crying myself to sleep, and my sugar kept falling because I couldn't keep anything in my stomach for several days because my head hurt so badly. Eventually, I resorted to my emergency glucose, because it dissolves so fast. But every time my sugar dropped again, my head would hurt worse, increasing the nausea. I've never been so scared of the withdrawal before.

I know that there are diabetics who can drink, and I know that there are alcoholics who are diabetic. But I can't see myself ever wanting to live through the last week again. Today, I'm 16 days sober. My stomach is still a bit tender from all of the vomiting. My emotions are out of whack from drinking them numb. The anxiety is ridiculous. Yet, I still hear the Siren's song calling me back to the bottle. It is only through the power of God that I know I can maintain my sobriety and find the healing that I am in such desperate need of.

Odd mood

Today is one of those days where I struggle just to keep going. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not interested in cutting at the moment, for those who have journeyed alongside me through those terrible days before. I do just want to crawl into bed and sleep for days. I've had yet another day where I want to drink before I've even managed to walk out the door. The biggest incentive to get out of bed is the thought of a cigarette, because I'm still trying to hide my smoking.

I know that I have people in my corner, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. I'm dealing with some serious issues from my past, and in this moment, crawling into a bottle of Jack, Jim, or Jose feels a lot safer. A cigarette is simply a way to take the edge off of things. 

I know that I'm not supposed to want these things. I realize that God is the answer. But that doesn't make life any more comfortable in this moment. I wish that God felt close, I really do. I feel really removed from God right now. 

I got brave enough to talk to a couple of friends last night, and they are trying to help me through this. I'm also hoping to complete part of the challenge I was given by talking to my pastor tonight. 

Eerily Calm Voice

I was talking with a friend this afternoon about some of the things I've been through in my past. She commented that it scared her that I could talk about the violence in such a steady, eerily calm voice. To me, it's such a normal thing to be hurt, that I don't know any other way to be. But I suppose that to someone who hasn't lived through my experiences, being this numbed would be weird.

It started me thinking, though, that maybe, instead of learning to heal, I've simply become more proficient at being numbed from the pain. 

Battle Royale

I am locked into a battle being waged around me, over me, for me. I feel like a pawn in a desperate game of chess, looking for that life saving move for an easily surrendered piece. I want to be able to hold it all together and maintain some sense of functioning in my life. It's like I'm trapped on this never ending rollercoaster that I can't even slow down enough to get off of. Seemingly, there is no escape.

Mentally, I can understand that this has been a battle royale through the ages. Satan is waging war on all who believe in God, hoping to entice them away from what is good. I can comprehend that this is a fight that I cannot fight alone. I must allow God to fight for me and allow others to stand by my side as I move forward in battle.

Emotionally, however, I cannot let others stand at my side because this requires vulnerability. I have to let them see what is going on before they can join in to assist. My head knows that I need to let others in, but my heart is in rebellion. It feels impossible to let anyone see what the true chaotic mess that writhes inside of me looks like. So instead, I close the door and refuse to allow anyone entry. This isn't a healthy choice, and I realize this, but there is something emotionally that limits my ability to give in.

It seems that my greatest solace has been repeatedly found in my addictions. These are the devices through which I am able to distort reality enough that I am able to feel safe from harm. Unfortunately, these crutches are being removed from my hands and my life long before I am ready to give them their release. Those who have protected and enabled me to continue to surrender to my vices have elected to remove their shields from my destruction. Instead, I am finding myself repeatedly seeking after things to increase my ability to cope with life, though these things are not exactly what I should be seeking.

The things that I find myself desiring the most at this point in time are a good flavored cigarette and a delicious cocktail. I know I should be chasing after God with all of the same fervor, but the ability seems to elude me just now. A few weeks ago, I was on a spiritual high, feeling closer to God than I had in a long time. Now, I'm on the verge of self-destruction again. I know that I have to choose a path and quickly.

In my book group this time, I am working my way through a new book. It is the "Panic Attacks Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick" by David Carbonell, Ph.D. (http://www.amazon.com/Panic-Attacks-Workbook-Program-Beating/dp/1569754152). While I'm learning some new things about myself which is good, going through this book is one of the more difficult things that I've ever done.

Experiencing Life

I know that the past several weeks haven't been easy for me. I'm starting to force myself to get back into a routine, so that when school starts, I'll be prepared. God has definitely brought me a challenge with teaching this year as we have more students than we have had in the past and I will also be teaching two classes that are completely new to me. I'm teaching Anatomy & Physiology and Health & Wellness.

When I pictured myself as a teacher many years ago, I saw myself standing in front of a room of cute little kindergarteners. I never imagined that I would be preparing to teach high school students how their bodies work. I don't know who will be more uncomfortable with talking about the inner workings of the human body, me or them.

The last few days I've been out of town. My boss and I have been preparing some of the things that need to be done before school starts, things like schedules and final decisions on curriculum. It was a welcome break from the chaos of my daily life. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, as I was at least as busy as I would have been at home and I was putting in longer days that I would have here. And yet, I feel like I'm moving more alongside God instead of running headfirst into Him.

I am very aware right now of the fact that God is moving. I'm not sure where He is going or where He intends to take me at this moment. I mean, I know that I'm following Him, so eventually I'll end up in heaven, and that He is leading me in ministry alongside my husband, but... It's like I'm walking blindly in a direction that I don't understand, I'm walking in faith, like when Roadrunner runs off the cliff and just keeps going in the air, believing that the road is beneath him. I'm really trying to not do what he always does and hesitate, look down, and fall because the road is no longer there. I know that I need to keep my eyes up, because that is where my guidance is coming from.

As I am sitting here writing, I'm fighting the urge to tear up. For a couple of weeks now, I've cried at the oddest things, sometimes with no idea why I'm crying. It totally weirds me out, and yet I'm finding myself getting more and more used to it. The other day, I was laughing at a joke and found myself crying. Not laughing so hard I'm crying, but literally bawling my eyes out as I'm laughing. I still don't know why I was crying.

I just read a blog post about finding what it is that just sets you on fire. You can find it at jensnextsteps.blogspot.com. When I came back to try to figure out how to tie this all together and close it up neatly, I glanced up a few paragraphs.  I just realized that God IS showing me what my next step is. I've known for a while now that helping people heal is part of where God is leading me, but I had never thought about it until just now. How can I help someone heal from their past hurts if I can't talk about my own experiences without becoming embarrassed and uncomfortable? What better way to challenge me to get comfortable with talking about "unmentionable" parts of the body and the abuse that  can occur in a bad relationship than to put me in front of a room full of high school students talking about things like this? I think God is really pushing me to step closer to my calling, and that is what has me so uncomfortable.

Useless

There comes a point where I wish that I felt valuable. That when I commit to working on a project that I have the potential to excel at, my contributions aren't minimized. That I'm not told to just go away because I'm in the way.

There is a project that I had committed to helping with months ago. It recently started, and despite those around me encouraging me to give my best contribution, I was literally told to GO AWAY. The one person I'm supposed to be working with tells me that I'm useless and in the way.

I don't know how to react except to feel hurt. I had actually been committed to this project since March. I was even willing to take the lead on it, but I wanted/ needed help. It was passed along to someone with a different skill set. I was told that I would still be able to help, and that what I could give to the project was important.

The person who told me to go away is someone who is very close to me, and someone who I trust with my life. I'm not sure if he is afraid that I will get hurt physically by working on this, but his response to me hurts emotionally and that is where I am much more vulnerable.

I'm sure that God is working in this somehow, I just don't see it at the moment.

Struggling With A Calling

Sometimes, like today, I struggle so much with the discrepancy between where I feel like God is leading me and my education & training is lacking. I can totally see myself working with at-risk youth, mentoring, teaching, and counseling. I want to be able to foster growth and healing in these teenagers; to guide them away from the risky behavior they are moving toward.

When I think of where I was several years ago, I know that I want to be someone who truly makes a difference to these kids. I want to be able to show them what God has done in my life, where the healing and recovery I've experienced comes from. I want to see them move beyond the rough circumstances they may be in now and allow them to find God. I want to see them live up to their full potential.

It makes sense that to really help these teenagers grow into healthy, fulfilled adults, I need some training. If everyone just decided to do this, we'd have some really screwed up adults leading these kids further astray under the guise of learning experiences. But why does this training so often seem to require a full bachelor's degree, and in some instances even a master's or Ph.D.?

I know that I made a mistake in the major I chose as an undergrad, because I wanted to do things my way and not God's. I'm still trying to repay the debts that I incurred because of this mistake. If I had a do-over, I would have majored in Youth Ministry or stuck with Education - just switching from early childhood to secondary. But instead of majoring in something that would prepare me for where God was trying to lead me, I ran away. I was too scared of what it meant, too angry with God, too hurt by others to see the blessing that an education could provide me.

I know that I didn't totally waste those years, because it was while I was in college that I learned it was ok to question and argue with God. I also learned just how broken I was during those years, and it wasn't pretty. I would even say that in some ways, my painting was a form of art therapy for me. This was a good thing, since I practically lived in the studio spaces for three years.

Now, while I'm struggling with student debt from those years, I'm trying to not get out of the routine of classes too far, since I know I need more education at this point. To keep my learning skills sharp, I'm taking free classes on Coursera, Nixty, and through the Saylor Foundation. Unfortunately, as much as I am learning in these classes, most colleges at this point won't accept them because they are through non-accredited agencies, even though classes from Coursera are frequently provided by well-known colleges and universities.

I just wish that there was a way to do what I feel like God is leading me to do without years of formal training in a college classroom.

My Uncle's Suicide

Today is the two year anniversary of my Uncle's suicide.

Today is my Aunt's birthday.

I can't even decide if it is appropriate to call and wish her a happy birthday. Is there even a possibility of her having a happy birthday on the anniversary of her husband's death?

I've never called to wish her happy birthday before. I think it would be awkward.

I don't know how she would respond. Would it make everything worse?

I don't want to make things worse. It's a tough decision.

Am I being selfish for not wanting to call?

Is it that I don't want an awkward phone call or is it that I don't want to reopen the wounds that his death caused.

Why does Good Friday have to fall on this date this year? Why couldn't it be last weekend? Next weekend?

I know that I believe in Good Friday as being a good, yet painful thing. But is it maybe just too much for me today?

Will I handle this all better in another year? Or will I still be in this much pain?

I know that to heal a deep wound, you have to open it up and clean it out. Would calling her open it up to be cleaned out or would it just be like pouring a caustic substance into it, burning me and causing more damage? I don't think I'm ready to deal with this just yet.

My heart is still broken.

I still want to go back in time and change things. To convince him that he should do things differently. He cheated.

He cheated life. He cheated himself. He didn't get to see my sister get married. He didn't get to hold my sister's little girl. He won't see my brother graduate high school in a couple of months. There are so many things he cheated himself out of. There are so many things that he cheated us out of being able to share with him.

I want him back.

This isn't fair.

Life isn't fair.

I probably should call.

I don't want to call.

I probably won't call.

I'm not ready to face that call.

Maybe next year.

http://tribstar.com/obituaries/x1281096948/Edward-Lawrence-Allen

Five W's And A H

First, let me say that there are many approaches to interpreting and understanding scripture. I can't say that one method is better than another, except that taking scripture out of context is never in our best interest. Often, the best method is a combination.

A good place to start with a given passage (not just a couple of verses, but a chapter or a subheading of a chapter) and ask some simple questions.
1. Who is involved here?
2. What is happening?
3. When is this happening?
4. Where in the world is this happening?
5. Why is this happening?
6. How does this apply/ affect/ parallel my life?

So, who?
I think who is a good place to begin studying a passage because it gives us names to associate everything else with. The list of characters may not just be the obvious ones though. Even when King David is lamenting to God, there are more than the two of them in the scene. There are also the people that David is praying for and those whom he is praying against. We can't rule them out as unimportant either, because they provide the reasoning for his prayers. In many books of the Bible, the author is also a character to be considered.

What happened?
Next, we need to sort out what happened. What did the main character do? What did the other characters do? Who is initiating the action? Who is responding? Is this a letter from Paul to the church in Thessalonica? What motivated the author to record this information?

When makes a difference.
The Bible wasn't all written at the same time. It was written in three languages over the course of approximately 2500 years. Over that many years, leadership changed, people and countries changed power, and whole groups of people were killed. Also, consider whether the passage is found in the Old or New Testament. This makes a big difference, as it raises the question of whether the characters are anticipating the arrival of the Messiah or if they know that He has come and are following after Jesus and His disciples.

Now where was that?
A lot depends on the physical location of where the people are from and the culture they lived in. This information can tell you a lot about what their social, political, religious, and economic norms were. Physical geography can also explain why it was difficult to travel.

Why did this happen?
As you start to look over your notes about everything that happened in this passage, you may start to see patterns and draw conclusions. Especially if you study several consecutive passages, you will see a progression in the story. Some sections, like those in Numbers and 1 & 2 Chronicles, will really become more relevant as you assemble the genealogies and see where people groups moved,and split. These separations will often highlight cultural shifts and changes.

How about us?
Now that we have begun to wrap our minds around what is contained in scripture, it is time to tie it in with our lives. Looking at the conclusions we have drawn, is there anything that sounds eerily familiar? Perhaps something currently happening in your own life or something in the world outside your front door? Now, what parallels do you see - opportunities to take this newfound knowledge and apply it to your life, to help others, to guide you as you grow in your faith.

As you get more comfortable with taking scripture apart to find deeper understanding, you can expand your reading. Good references include Biblical dictionaries, concordances, interlinear Bibles, and books that can expand your knowledge of the time and place where the passage you are studying. I won't advise against using Biblical commentaries, because they can provide direction when we are struggling to understand. Always remember that the important book in our study is the Bible and that while other books can benefit our study, they are just tools to help us in learning to understand.

The High Pressure Sales Pitch

I know that on my commute, I see a lot of people. And while that means that I have a good opportunity to share God with others. But which is the more effective way to communicate His message - a high pressure sales pitch or a peaceful example?

I could sit next to you on the bus, loudly and adamantly informing you that you need God in your life today, that you need to be in a pew on Sunday morning, and that you must join a Bible study immediately. I could keep you cornered and tell you "Turn or burn!" It's possible that I could even take out my Bible and begin quoting scripture at you. But are you going to want anything to do with that crazy lady on the bus? Probably not. At best, you're a little annoyed and have a good rant about crazy bus people for your friends. At worst, you're no longer interested in anything to do with God or His crazy people.

The philosophy that I am more comfortable with applying is that of Francis of Assisi: "Preach the gospel often, and if necessary, use words. " I know that I'm more likely to be able to explain what I believe and why in a less threatening way if you ask me a question first. Another benefit of this approach is that you are left with more questions than when you asked me the first one. This opens the door to deeper exploration and explanation.

So why should I make you feel threatened by Christianity when God wants to show you His love through me? I didn't learn everything I know about God in a single, isolated conversation - the knowledge I possess has been gleaned over the course of my life. To pack that much information into a half hour conversation would put anyone new to faith on overload. I'm not saying that we should sugarcoat our beliefs or mislead people. I'm not saying that we don't need to teach new believers anything about the Bible or what it says, but we also need to share what God has done in our lives.

I encourage you to take that next step toward living your life the way that God wants us to live. And remember, your life may be someone else's first encounter with God.

How Should We Pray?

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours
now and for ever.
Amen.

Did you know that this prayer is found both in Matthew and Luke, but not in Mark? The roots for this prayer, commonly known as the "Our Father", are based in Matthew 6:5-14 and Luke 11:1-13.

Our Father, (3962)
The Greek word for Father, in this instance, is patēr, meaning father or male ancestor. The fact that Jesus uses "Our Father" and not "My Father" is significant."Our" is inclusive,meaning that we are all included - God is Father to us all. If "my" had been used instead, it would exclude us from being one of God's children. 

The word used for heaven in this is "ouranos". In some cases the word simply denotes the "sky." However, in this case it is referring to heaven as the dwelling place of God. 

hallowed be thy name; (37, 3686)
Hallowed, in the research I have done, means sanctified, purified, set apart, and holy. There is no one more holy than God, and in this way, He is, indeed, set apart from all others. In the same way, the name of God is to be revered. 

thy kingdom come; (932)
In this case, the Greek word for kingdom is "basileia." In praying for God's kingdom to come, we are asking for his reign, his royal power to come down to us.

thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. (1096, 2307)
This line is asking for something really big! It is asking for God's sovereign purpose happen here like it does in heaven. :D How awesome is that? Getting to experience God's design the way He intended it to be here within each of us.

Give us this day our daily bread; (740, 1325, 4594)
This form of daily (epiousios) occurs twice in the New Testament. Both times, it is in the Lord's Prayer. It is special because it means sufficient and necessary for the day.
The form of the word bread (artos) is also special because it suggests more than just food for physical nourishment. Its greater meaning is everything necessary for a full life. This includes being spiritually fed


and forgive us our trespasses (266,863, 3956, 3784, 3783, 3783)
This line is a prayer to God to cancel or let go of all of the great debt that we owe because of our sins. We cannot be saved through ourselves, only through God.


as we forgive those who trespass against us; (3956, 3781)
Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13
We are not just asking God to forgive us the same way that we forgive others, but we are asking Him to give us the ability to forgive others in a way that we are not able to do on our own.

and lead us not into temptation, (1533, 3986)
As we continue into this line, we are asking God to keep our focus on Him so that we don't wander away. We don't (usually) want to walk away from God, but Satan can and will use every lure in his book of tricks to lead us astray.

but deliver us from evil. (4190, 4506)
Here, we are asking God to rescue us from our sins, trials, and temptations. This is the redemptive part in dealing with temptation. We can't save ourselves from our sin, but God is able to restore and heal us.

For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours (932, 1411, 1391)
This is an interesting thing to look at as it uses three different terms in reference to the magnificence of God. In this case, the kingdom could be heaven, but it could also be God's authority to rule over us. The use of the term power is explaining God's strength and ability to rule. Glory is used to explain the exalted majesty that is only at a level which could be held by God.

now and for ever. (165)
One of the easiest and most difficult parts to understand, this line is explaining how God is before, after, and among time that has no beginning and no end.

Amen. (281)
A nearly universal word, amen is more than just the ending of a prayer. It is a statement of faith in and of itself. Meaning either "so be it" or "may it be fulfilled", it adds emphasis and response to the rest of the prayer.




Numbers given in parenthesis refer to Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Definitions are from Mounce's Complete Expository Dictionary of Old & New Testament Words and other sources used by greek-dictionary.net and blueletterbible.org .

This has taken several months of research, however, I would appreciate honest evaluation and correction. 

40(ish) Days: A Celebration of Discipline

Meditation is not as easy as it sounds. It is actually really hard. Sitting still is probably the most difficult part, because sitting in the chair as recommended seems to leave me fidgety and distracted in a matter of moments. Lying in bed, also a recommended option, leaves me apt to falling asleep quickly. The palms up, palms down centering seems to be more comfortable than meditating on creation or significant events seem to be. Meditatio Scripturarum also seems doable. I've tried meditating several times since Wednesday when I started this, and I'm finding that my lack of patience is an issue, but I am determined to keep trying.

Thoughts on the scripture that I read today:

Numbers 14:18
Do I want to pass the sin/ punishment on to my children that was given to me?

Numbers 15:37-41
This is where the blue thread in the 4 tassels of a Jewish prayer shawl come from.